#he always expected daniel to outlive him

[stargazing-sapphire2]

Angsty one shot with Elias adopting Arabella shortly after Daniel's death and i--

[avalonia320]

Darkest Before the Dawn sneak peek: ch 5

Sharing because I'm just excited that my writing drought might be over. Not sure when I'll post it, hopefully tonight but that's a long shot. Anyway, enjoy a little Daniel if you're so inclined. And if you want to see it, Lestat's house that Daniel is visiting is here: https://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/4750-Encino-Ave_Encino_CA_91316_M10539-06277?from=srp-list-card

***

The next evening Daniel woke and dressed to find Maia had left him a bottled cold frappucino instead of the usual coffee. His overnight bag was neatly packed. There was a note on the table explaining that the checkout had been taken care of, the rest of his luggage sent on ahead, and she would meet him at Lestat’s compound the following evening.

It wasn’t long, the drive from Beverly Hills to Encino, especially in the late evening when the choked freeways of L.A. became far less congested, but nevertheless, going down the drive to Lestat’s compound always felt like entering another world. There was no intercom at the wooden gates, no cameras that he could see; still the large wooden doors always opened wide when his car approached and when he drove through them southern California melted away, even though the palm trees could still be seen in the distant, the traffic noises muffled to nothing, the endless stucco houses and red tiled roofs forgotten. The house that lay beyond was enormous, a stone French chateau styled with a certain irreverence for the history it was meant to pay tribute to, a perfect counterpart to its owner.

He was met at the front door by Lestat’s assistant Frankie, a nervous kid just out of college with a certain jumpy energy that always made Daniel want to rap him over the head with a rolled up newspaper like one would an unruly puppy.

“Hello, Mr. Molloy - a pleasure as always,” Frankie had been rubbing his hands together and he stopped to offer one to Daniel who ignored the gesture,  not in the mood for sweaty palms. 

“Hi, Frankie. I'm gonna be staying for a few days this time; can you have someone clear the groupies out of whatever room I’m supposed to stay in and clean up the bloodstains and coke dust?”

“Oh, we’ve got a suite set up for you already at Mr. Lioncourt’s request. And it’s um…fully stocked with the uh…special protein drink you requested,” the kid tried to wink at him, but only managed to blink very fast. 

“Oh great; clean sheets and a generous supply of True Blood. I’m a lucky man,” Daniel grinned sardonically, trying to ignore the pulsating vein in Frankie’s throat and the grumbling of his stomach that was telling him he really should have fed before he’d gotten here.  At least it sounded like Lestat had prepared for this oversight. There must be some Southern Cali version of The Farm that Armand and Louis had sourced their blood from, but he wasn’t privy to the details and wasn’t sure that he wanted to be. Besides, he preferred his blood fresh but he had to be careful here. Lestat did not allow hunting at his compound. He was oddly protective of the humans that constantly surrounded him these days; something Daniel had not exactly expected after Louis’s many tales of Lestat’s elaborate killing sprees.

Frankie was blinking at him in confusion.  Daniel sighed. “True Blood…the stuff vampires drink in that show, also called True Blood? What, you never heard of it?”

“No,” Frankie said politely. “Is it new?”

“Naw, it’s been around since like 2008 or so.”

“Oh. I don’t normally watch stuff that old.”

Little GenZ shit. Daniel smiled acidly as he handed Frankie his bag to carry. “I’m gonna outlive you, you know.” He was gratified to watch the smile drop from Frankie’s face. 

[doomonfilm]

Review : The Irishman (2019)

As iconic a director as Martin Scorsese is, most modern-day film fans only know him for one thing : his statement about Marvel movies not being cinema.  Nevermind the classic run he had from Mean Streets to Shutter Island, or his immeasurable influence on cinema of the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, many have just written him off as a bitter old man whose time has come and gone.  Scorsese, however, clearly has no plans on relinquishing his influential grasp on cinema, as he teamed up with Netflix to save his current passion project, The Irishman. 

As Frank Sheeran (Robert DeNiro) sits in a nursing home, he recounts his times connected to the Bufalino family and their criminal exploits.  Sheeran reflects upon his time as a hitman for Russell Bufalino (Joe Pesci), the way that his lifestyle impacted his family relationships, and his close relationship with the iconic Jimmy Hoffa (Al Pacino).  As the years pass, Sheeran watches his friends succumb to the evils of the world... some pass at the hands of others, and some die of natural causes.  Eventually, Sheeran attempts to reconcile his damaged family ties in the wake of his impending death.

The Irishman is a return to form for a director that is widely known as a master of his craft.  While Scorsese does have range in regards to the stories he tells, no other director can tell crime family and mafioso stories quite like he can, and this film is a testament to his ability to tell these stories masterfully from decade to decade.  While many of his previous mafia films have been based on real people and contain references to real-life events, The Irishman takes on one of the most notorious figures in the form of the giant that is Jimmy Hoffa, so Scorsese pulls out all the stops in regards to his bag of tricks.  Iconic actors and actresses are cast as legendary figures of the criminal underworld, with referential footnotes provided for bigger picture context in regards to what roles they played and how long they lived, which parallels to both the film’s massive run-time and the irony of Frank Sheeran outliving everyone despite how dirty his hands became.  Scorsese’s affinity for outsiders becoming deeply immersed in the worlds he illustrates is heavily present as well, as Sheeran becomes connected in ways that no non-Italian was previously allowed, or probably allowed since.

The Scorsese and DeNiro tandem has presented some fascinating character studies over the years, and The Irishman continues this tradition.  This time around, we are presented with story of a man that is locked into the ideas of honor and loyalty for what many would consider a dishonorable lifestyle.  It is never really made clear whether or not his motivations lie in something that Sheeran is missing as a former soldier, or something closer to an adoration for the figures that populate the world of the Mafia, but what is certainly clear is that whatever motivation it may be drives Sheeran nearly to the point of blind devotion for figures that fought epic, life-altering battles over minor personal squabbles and power games.  This, however, does not mask the fact that the influence these men had changed the course of American history on more than one occasion, and Sheeran essentially played fixer to anyone who would not accept their role in this drastic course changing.  As previously mentioned, the narrative irony lies in the fact that near the end of his life, all of the figures that Sheeran looked up to passed away, and all that he was left with were his memories of a time that most people are unaware of or care little about (other than for entertainment value), and he is forced to live this life in solitude due to the way that his choices fractured his relationship with his family.

Scorsese is a man that does not stray far from the tools that he has established to tell stories, and much of his familiar visual and sonic language is present in The Irishman.  First and foremost, the soundtrack is solid from front to back, putting you in the proper state of mind for both mood and timeframe with each musical cue that is presented.  His long steadycam shots are also present, though they are much more methodical in nature rather than used for show.  Scorcese hearkens back to films like Goodfellas with his portrayal of stylized violence and explosions of classic cars, and at times, even frenetic cuts or camera moves that create a sense of uneasiness.  Honestly, at this point, Scorsese fans know what to expect from him, and luckily, his skill has not dulled with age.  The one (minor) knock I could give the film is that the de-aging, while shaving a few years off of the actors face, does not hide the fact that these men are older, very similar to how Samuel L. Jackson still moved like an old man in Captain Marvel, despite movie magic turning back the clock on his face and hair.

The combination of DeNiro, Pesci and Pacino is powerful and palatable, as the moments shared between the combinations of actors and the given scenarios leap off the screen... DeNiro especially shines, as he has always had an innate ability to communicate worlds of information strictly through the ways that his eyes convey a thought process.  Seeing actors like Ray Romano and Bobby Cannavale in this movie makes me wish they’d been around for the older Scorsese films.  Anna Paquin does a good job of manifesting the fractured nature of the family, and her chemistry with Pacino is interesting, but works well.  Harvey Keitel manages to use his presence to great effect, opting to use minimal dialogue and implement a steady, intimidating gaze.  Stephanie Kurtzuba and Kathrine Narducci make their presence known around DeNiro and Pacino without sacrificing themselves as tropes or caricatures.  Jesse Plemons does what he does, but it also works, despite his looks making him stand out from the rest of those present in the film.  Jack Huston steps firmly into the shoes of RFK, as does Sebastian Maniscalco in his wonderful portrayal of Crazy Joe (who I wouldn’t mind seeing in his own film).  The cast is stacked from top to bottom, and performances of note include Welker White, Domenick Lombardozzi, Paul Herman, Louis Cancelmi, Gary Basaraba, Marin Ireland, Steven Van Zandt, Bo Dietl, Daniel Jenkins, Paul Ben-Victor, plus cameos from Jim Norton, Action Bronson, Patrick Gallo and Jake Hoffman.

As much as folks do not appreciate Scorsese’s views on what does or does not constitute cinema, having films like The Irishman is his oeuvre certainly validates any opinion he chooses to share.  If you can manage to set aside the three-plus hours this film demands of your attention, I highly recommend diving in.

[aion-rsa]

Why Batman Still Matters: DC on 80 Years of the Dark Knight

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Detective Comics hits #1000 as Batman turns 80. We talked to Kevin Conroy, Bruce Timm, Scott Snyder, and more about the hero's legacy!

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John Saavedra

Batman

Mar 27, 2019

DC Entertainment

Scott Snyder

Kevin Conroy

Bruce Timm

This Batman article contains spoilers for Detective Comics #1000. 

It all began with two shots in the dark, pearls spilling onto the blood-soaked cement. No, it all started when the bat crashed through the window. Actually, it was when the boy fell into the cave. Maybe it was that hostile takeover at Apex Chemicals? Dozens of stories have shaped the legend of the Batman over his 80-year history, tales that have made the Caped Crusader arguably the most iconic character in comic book history, rivaled only by Superman.

When Bill Finger and Bob Kane put pen and pencils to paper for 1939's Detective Comics #27, they had no way of knowing that they were creating a new American myth that would captivate readers and movie audiences for decades to come. They certainly didn't expect their first Batman adventure, "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate," to spawn 973 more issues of Detective Comics, let alone become a blockbuster franchise of movies, TV series, video games, and McDonald's Happy Meals. 

But here we are: this week sees the release of Detective Comics #1000, written and drawn by some of the best creators in the business. The giant-sized, 96-page issue features stories by legends such as Dennis O'Neil, Neal Adams, Steve Epting, Christopher Priest, Jim Lee, Kelley Jones, Paul Dini, Brian Michael Bendis, Warren Ellis, and Geoff Johns as well as the current custodians of the Bat-mythos -- Tom King, Tony S. Daniel, Peter J. Tomasi, Doug Mahnke, Joelle Jones, Scott Snyder, and Greg Capullo. And that's not even including the excellent covers by Jim Steranko, Bernie Wrightson, Bruce Timm, Frank Miller, Jock, Tim Sale, and more. 

Batman is only the second DC A-list superhero to reach such a massive milestone, the other being the Man of Steel, who celebrated his own 80th last year with the release of Action Comics #1000, and the company is celebrating every era of the character in this Bat-themed anniversary issue, from one of his very first (and longest) cases as a young vigilante to his very last on the eve of a lonely birthday. 

In one story, we see Bruce struggling with a fateful decision that will change his young ward Dick Grayson's life forever, while in another, Batman's extended family of heroes gets together for a hilarious reunion on a rooftop. There's also Bruce getting some much-needed guidance from Leslie Thompkins as well as a story about the worst henchmen in Batman's rogues gallery that perfectly recreates the tone of Batman: The Animated Series. The issue's most poignant tale is about Bruce's search for the gun that killed his mother and father in a ghastly scene that's been retold through every generation of the character. All of these excellent stories are meant to explore both Batman's growth, from pulpy masked vigilante to modern symbol of hope (Zack Snyder movies notwithstanding), as well as the nature of the legend itself.

What is it about this story of a boy who suffers a terrible tragedy and grows up to avenge the death of his parents night after night that has kept it at the forefront of our pop culture? Batman has been able to outlive or overshadow many of the characters that inspired his own creation -- Zorro, The Shadow, Doc Savage, Sherlock Holmes, The Phantom Detective, Dracula, among others -- but what makes him so special?

I was fortunate enough to speak to Batman writers Scott Snyder and Peter J. Tomasi, artists Bruce Timm and Jock, and the Caped Crusader himself, Batman: The Animated Series' Kevin Conroy, about why Batman still matters after all this time. Their answers showcase different aspects of the Dark Knight, from his flexibility as a character to just how damn good he looks in that costume.

But according to Conroy, who I spoke to at New York Comic Con in 2017 and 2018, Batman's continued popularity goes back to something way more primal than form and function. To the classically-trained actor who was immortalized as THE voice of Batman in the '90s cartoon, the Caped Crusader is a modern retelling of myths and stories humans have been passing down for thousands of years. 

"He's such a theatrical character," Conroy says, speaking of his initial hesitance to audition for the role. At the time, he was a theater actor who'd never done an animated role. But when he began reading the script, the character clicked. Conroy recognized this story. "They were absolutely right to cast a theater actor, especially one with a classical background, because this is Shakespeare. They're doing high drama. Batman is Achilles. He's Orestes. He's Hamlet."

The tragic Greek character Orestes is particularly on Conroy's mind when playing Batman. He's performed several plays as Orestes, a son who avenges his father's murder and goes mad because of it. By the end of the story cycle, Orestes has gone through hell and back because of his thirst for vengeance. Naturally, Conroy brought that familiarity with Orestes to his portrayal of Batman.

"He's a Homeric hero," Conroy says of the Caped Crusader. "I think of it often when I'm doing Batman because Orestes is haunted by the Furies. He descends into hell. He comes back. He's resurrected at the end. And I think so often, this is a very Orestial-like journey that Bruce Wayne goes on. His Furies are the memory of his parents' murder. It haunts him through his life. It's transformed him."

Conroy calls Batman a "classic character." Like Orestes before him, Batman has become the protagonist of our very own mythology, according to the actor.

"He's come out of such a fire and instead of letting life crush him, he turns that metamorphosis into something even greater than himself. He overcomes the tragedy that is his childhood to help heal the world...They've been telling that story for thousands of years, in different cultures and this is our culture's way of telling those stories, and I think they're just as valid."

"I think what makes him deeply enduring is that it's a really primal folk tale," Snyder, who's been writing Batman stories since 2011, says on the phone. "It's a story about a boy who loses everything and turns that loss into fuel to make sure that what happened to him never happens to anybody else."

While most of us aren't billionaire playboys with the resources to fight crime on a global (and sometimes cosmic) level, we understand pain, both emotional and physical, and a need to rise above it, even if we can't always do that. And we sympathize with Bruce's biggest regret -- if only he hadn't made his parents take him to see that Zorro movie, if only he hadn't been scared at the opera, if only he'd been braver and faster as the thug pulled the trigger, things might have been different. For Bruce, his crusade to stop evildoers comes down to replaying that single fateful moment over and over again. If only he'd done something...

Yet, Batman perseveres despite all of this pain, which is why people flock to the character, according to Snyder. 

"It's a story of triumph over your worst fears, worst tragedy, and about taking your loss and turning it into a win," the writer says. "There's just this kind of power to him that speaks to our own potential, the human potential, even when we're challenged by things that seem insurmountably horrible." 

Snyder has spent the better part of a decade showcasing Batman as a symbol of hope for the citizens of Gotham, putting him through the ringer, reopening old wounds while also making new ones -- the writer even killed the hero off at one point -- just so that he can pick himself up again and keep fighting. 

But the character isn't all tragedy, death, and knightmares. Who could hang with a downer like that for 80 years? 

"There are the fun elements, of course, that are similar to James Bond, like the gadgets, and the cars, and the planes, and just the cool factor of his costume."

Timm, who co-created Batman: The Animated Series and designed the show's iconic Art Deco aesthetic, is unsurprisingly most taken by Batman's look. 

"I just think Batman looks great," Timm says during our chat at NYCC in 2018. "He's got the best costume motif in comics. Nothing comes close. He's dark and sexy and broody. It's really intoxicating and compelling in a way that almost no other in comics can come close to it."

He also admires the durability of the character through the different eras of comics, from the Golden Age, to the sillier '50s and '60s stories of the Comics Code era, to the darker takes we're more accustomed to today. 

"It is amazing to me how flexible he is as a character. That you could have something as silly as the Adam West show or the old '50s comics, and then you have stuff like Neal Adams and Frank Miller and what we did. And you know, even more extreme, [Grant Morrison and Dave McKean's graphic novel] Arkham Asylum and things like that. And yet their all kind of the same character. It's like that character can encompass all of those different things. He can do space aliens and serial killers, you know? Yet, it kind of works."

This flexibility has allowed plenty of writers and artists to experiment with the Dark Knight, creating different versions of the character over the years. There really isn't a definitive take on Batman. Undoubtedly, one of the big reasons he's still so popular and speaks to so many people is that there's a Bat story for everybody. You can love the Batusi, Bat-Mite, or Mr. Freeze's cool party and still be right on the money about the Caped Crusader. You'd be remiss to call the character stale. The guy has done it all.

"It's almost like he's a force of nature, in which stories can happen around him, and there's something primordial, maybe, about the character and the way he looks, as well," veteran Batman artist Jock, who is currently working on a six-part miniseries with Snyder called The Batman Who Laughs, says on the phone. "You could put Batman in a new pose, and he'd still flourish, and I think those kinds of characters are very rare."

Tomasi, who has the huge responsibility of ushering in Detective Comics #1000 as the current writer on the series, puts it best in our email exchange:

"He's a character who can work across all genres. Somehow, someway, he can simply fit into every story, be it a war story, a western, a love story, a comedic angle, sci-fi, horror, fantasy, you name it, and of course any detective story you can possibly imagine."

Detective Comics #1000 closes with a prologue to Tomasi's next arc on the series, which will be drawn by Brad Walker (The Demon: Hell Is Earth) and introduce the Arkham Knight character from the recent Batman video game to DC continuity. While Tomasi can't say much about the story, especially when it comes to who is underneath the imposing Arkham Knight armor, he did share that the villain "looks at Batman as a curse on Gotham City and will do whatever it takes to destroy Batman and bring light to a city drowning in darkness."

Tomasi previously wrote the Batman: Arkham Knight tie-in series that acted as a prequel to the game, so he knows this rogue better than anyone. It's very fitting that he's using a new villain to begin Detective's run to another 1000 issues and a new era of Batman.

Will we still be talking about Batman in another 80 years? Sure, superhero stories are enjoying a second golden age, but tastes change and trends eventually end. Superheroes won't always be at the top of our pop culture food chain. It's inevitable that many of the characters we love today will fade with future generations, just as the Shadow, Doc Savage, and the Scarlet Pimpernel did. We may eventually embrace new forms of familiar myths, becoming obsessed with new idols. But only a fool would bet against a character who's survived as long as Batman has. Remember, the Batman always wins.

John Saavedra is an associate editor at Den of Geek. Read more of his work here. Follow him on Twitter @johnsjr9. 

from Books https://ift.tt/2CHhHP1

[phantom-le6]

Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 5 (6 of 6)

As we continue our run of episode reviews for Star Trek: The Next Generation, we now come to the last two episodes of season 5, beginning with the wide-acclaimed episode “The Inner Light.”

Episode 25: The Inner Light

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise finishes a magnetic wave survey of the Parvenium system and finds an unknown probe. The device rapidly scans the ship and directs an energy beam at Captain Picard, who collapses on the bridge and then wakes up to find himself on Kataan, a non-Federation planet. His wife, Eline, tells Picard that he is Kamin, an iron weaver recovering from a fever. Picard speaks of his life on the Enterprise but Eline and their close friend Batai try to convince Picard that his memories were only fever dreams and incorporate him into their society as Kamin. Picard begins living his life as Kamin in his village, Ressik, having children with Eline and learning to play the flute. Kamin spends much time outdoors and with his Dobsonian telescope studying nature. As years pass for him, he begins to notice that the drought is caused by increased radiation from the planet's sun. He sends reports to the planet's leaders, who seem to ignore his concerns.

 On Enterprise, the crew continues attempts to revive Picard. They try to block the influence of the probe but Picard nearly dies, so they are forced to let it continue. They trace the probe's trajectory to a system whose sun went nova 1,000 years before, rendering life extinct in the system. Years pass and Kamin outlives Eline and Batai. Kamin and his daughter Meribor continue their study of the drought. They find that it is not temporary; the extinction of life on the planet is inevitable. Kamin confronts a government official who privately admits to him that they already know this but keep it secret to avoid panic. The official gravely points out to Kamin that they have only recently launched artificial satellites using primitive rockets: their race simply does not possess the technology to evacuate people before their planet is rendered uninhabitable.

 One day, while playing with his grandson, Kamin is summoned by his adult children to watch the launch of a rocket, which everyone seems to know about except him. As he walks outside into the glaring nova light, Kamin sees Eline and Batai, as young as when he first saw them. They explain that he has already seen the rocket, just before he came there. Knowing that their planet was doomed, the planet's leaders placed memories of their society into a probe and launched it into space, in the hope that it would find someone who could tell others about their species. Picard realizes the context: "Oh, it's me, isn't it?", he says, "I'm the someone... I'm the one it finds", realizing that Kamin was the avatar they chose to represent their race.

 Picard wakes up on the bridge of the Enterprise to discover that while he perceived many decades to have transpired, only 25 minutes have passed. The probe terminates and is brought aboard the Enterprise. Inside, the crew finds a small box. A somber Riker gives the box to Picard, who opens it to find Kamin's flute. Picard, now adept at the instrument, plays a melody he learned during his life as Kamin.

Review:

Apparently, this episode was created by combining two ideas.  The first was Michael Piller wanting to do an episode where Picard lives a life he never really lived at all, and the second came from freelance writer Morgan Gendel wanting to do a story about Picard and Riker getting memories of a war beamed into their head in an anti-war story.  After multiple re-writes, the two ideas end up combined in this episode, and yet both also later appear in other episodes within Trek.  Picard ends up experiencing another life unlived in the episode ‘Tapestry’ in season 6 and within the Nexus during the film Star Trek: Generations, while the anti-war story would later be the centre of a Star Trek: Voyager episode.

 Until I saw the episode synopsis on Wikipedia, I for one thought the memory dump concept was somehow not quite realised properly; I thought it would make more sense for Kamin’s memories to be dumped verbatim into Picard and he’d just play along with them right from the start of the alternate life.  However, in actuality he’s not really getting a simple memory dump; rather, he’s living a kind of virtual reality simulation based on the collective memories of an alien world.  As such, the issue then becomes why isn’t that explained more explicitly, and how did they manage that technical feat when they were barely getting rockets up into space?  Basically, the containing premise for Piller’s idea sadly has a few technical flaws that slightly spoil the overall experience.

 That all being said, this is a great episode, especially in-so-far-as it never tries to get the audience to buy into Picard’s virtual life being any kind of substitute for reality.  There’s another TNG episode in one of the remaining seasons, and an episode of the Batman animated series from the same era that TNG was being made in, where the show seems to be trying to get us to buy into the idea that the reality of the show isn’t reality.  Frankly, I hate episodes like that; once a show establishes what its reality is, that has to remain constant or I get very angry and lose interest.  Reality is reality in all things, and while we might all perceive it differently, its most basic laws are immutable.  Our sun, for example, always exists until such time as it may burn out; the coming and going of night time or clouds cannot alter this. A kettle will always boil water after a set period of time according to its design and will only truly take longer when its components start to fail; whether it is watched or not will only make it seem like it takes longer; it will not actually take longer.

 Because the episode doesn’t ask us to buy into Picard’s alternate life ourselves, we can actually sit back and enjoy it, and it is an enjoyable episode in that Patrick Stewart delivers a great performance as Picard, and he is actually joined by his real-life son Daniel Stewart in this episode.  It’s very much a character piece, though, so don’t go expecting any kind of issue exploration.  The closest we get to that is inadvertent parallels between the on-going cover-up by the officials in Kaman’s life around the impending super-nova and how many people in real life react to the concept of climate change.  However, that matters even less when you also consider that the experience does change Picard somewhat, and it’s good to see Next Generation create something that can be called back to.  Even by the time of this episode, overarching continuity was something the show was reluctant to do, though the Deep Space Nine and Voyager spin-off shows would compensate for this.

 So overall, we have a great episode that for me almost manages to hit a top score, but falls just short through the technical flaws of the memory dump, though not by much.  My end score for this episode is 9 out of 10.

Episode 26: Time’s Arrow (Part 1)

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise is recalled to Earth on a priority mission regarding evidence of aliens on the planet 500 years before. They are shown a cavern near Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco containing 19th century relics, and the disembodied head of Data. Investigation reveals cellular fossils native to the planet of Devidia II, indicating a race of shapeshifters were visiting Earth's past. The Enterprise leaves for the planet, taking Data's second head. Upon arrival they discover a temporal disturbance on the planet. Though no life forms are visible, Deanna Troi senses the presence of suffering humans. The crew determine that the aliens are slightly out of temporal phase with them. Data notes that his android body has a phase discriminator that would allow him to see the aliens. Captain Picard reluctantly allows him to join the away team. Data establishes a means of communicating what he sees to the rest of the crew while in temporal sync with the aliens. Once in phase with the aliens, Data describes them as absorbing strands of light from a device in the centre of the cavern, appearing otherwise benign. He describes two aliens entering a time portal, that he is drawn into. Data finds himself on Earth in San Francisco on August 11, 1893.

 Data realizes he needs money to accomplish his goals. He wins a sizable amount beating card sharks at their own game in poker. Data takes up residence in a local hotel, befriending the bellhop (future author Jack London). Data claims to be a French inventor. He enlists London to acquire 19th century supplies under the pretense of building an automobile engine, when in fact Data is building a detector to find the aliens. Data sees a photo of Guinan, the bartender from the Enterprise, in a newspaper photo. He goes to a reception she will be attending, believing she also came back in time from the future. Data interrupts her speaking with Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), speaking to her as if she is from the 24th century, which spark's Clemens' curiosity. Speaking privately, it becomes clear to Data that Guinan is native to 1893 and has yet to meet the Enterprise crew. Clemens is discovered eavesdropping on this conversation, and he becomes determined to discover the truth behind Data and Guinan.

 Meanwhile in the 24th century, the Enterprise crew has determined how to build a similar phase discriminator to Data's. This will allow them to see the aliens, and go back in time to rescue Data. Guinan convinces Picard to join the pending away mission, warning that otherwise Picard and Guinan will have never met at all. The away team activates the phase discriminator and see the aliens as Data described. The strands of light are human life forces, taken at the moment of death. The away team uses the time portal to travel back to investigate further and to hopefully find and save Data as well.

Review:

There’s not much to this episode; basically, TNG was trying to make sure that they ended on a cliff-hanger in order to quash rumours generated by the start-up of the DS9 spin-off series that Picard and his crew were on the way out.  Now in some respects, there’s a lot of elements that certainly drum up interest. You’ve got the idea of Data going back in time to late 19th century Earth and potentially dying, an encounter with a past Guinan that present-day Guinan suggests is pivotal to her mysterious acquaintance with Picard, random time-travelling aliens and the curious ramifications of having Mark Twain thrown into the mix.  The problem, however, is that beyond this there’s not much really going on.  There’s not much character development and no issue exploration, creating a cliff-hanger that is more about plot than these other things.  Granted, that’s a change of pace, but it’s not the stuff of great Trek. Hopefully part 2 compensates for this. Overall, I’d give this episode 7 out of 10.

[topworldhistory]

The 'Father of the Nation' stressed education among his family's younger generations and even offered advice on navigating love.

George Washington, the “Father of the Nation,” had no biological children of his own. But during his 40-year marriage to Martha, the Revolutionary War hero and first president presided over a Mount Vernon estate filled with her children and grandchildren, and by their accounts was a beloved father figure.

Why did George and Martha have no children of their own? There’s almost nothing in the historical record that conclusively answers what was then (and now) a private question, but that hasn’t stopped people from guessing. Modern theories range from tuberculosis-induced sterility to, in Martha’s case, a severe bout of measles.

George and Martha were both in their late twenties when they married and fully expected to have children together. In Washington’s day, it was common to blame the woman for fertility issues, but Mary V. Thompson, research historian at Mount Vernon, says that Martha had four children with her first husband, Daniel Parke Custis, and “there’s no evidence that there was a problem.”

If Washington’s lack of biological children bothered him, he left no record of it. Historians point to one letter to his nephew in which a 54-year-old Washington discusses the remote possibility of future heirs. If he were to die before Martha, Washington insists that there’s a “moral certainty” that no illegitimate heirs will come out of the woodwork. And if he were to outlive Martha and remarry, there still wouldn’t be any kids.

“[S]hould I be the longest liver, the matter in my opinion, is hardly less certain,” wrote Washington, “for while I retain the faculty of reasoning, I shall never marry a girl; & it is not probable that I should have children by a woman of an age suitable to my own, should I be disposed to enter into a second marriage.”

READ MORE: George Washington: Timeline of His Life

George Washington Was a Father to Martha's Two Younger Children

George Washington with Martha Custis and her two children.

But the lack of his own biological children didn’t mean that Washington was childless. Martha’s two oldest children had already died by the time she remarried, but Washington became the legal guardian of her two younger children: four-year-old John Parke Custis (known as Jacky) and two-year-old Martha Parke Custis (known as Patsy).

From his letters, we get a clear picture of Washington as a somewhat stern and formal parent, but also a loving father who only wanted the best for his children and eventually his grandchildren.

“It seems like [Washington] was a good father figure to the kids,” says Kathryn Gehred, research editor with The Washington Papers at the University of Virginia. “He’s always writing letters to Martha’s children and to the grandchildren they take in after both of those children die. He’s always giving people advice—very rarely listened to—but you can tell that he took on a big role.”

READ MORE: Why Martha Washington Was the Ultimate Military Spouse

Washington Emphasized Education, Especially Among His Boys

Washington placed great importance on education, especially for the male children and grandchildren in his family. Because Washington’s own father died young, he never received a formal education beyond grammar school. 

Washington was sorely disappointed when boys in his family seemed to lack interest in school and preferred the relaxed life of country gentlemen. In a letter to Jacky’s schoolmaster, Washington complains that Jacky is returning from a summer break, “His Mind a good deal relaxed from Study, & more than ever turnd to Dogs Horses & Guns.”

Washington asks the schoolmaster to make sure that Jacky doesn’t sneak out and get into trouble, “rambling about at Nights in Company with those, who do not care how debauchd and vicious his Conduct may be.” A worried father, Washington insists that “I have his welbeing much at Heart, & shoud be sorry to see him fall into any vice, or evil course, which there is a possibility of restraining him from.”

Washington’s relationship with his girls was less strained, but also tinged with tragedy. He fell in love with little Patsy and was the only father she ever knew. Sadly, she was plagued by epileptic fits starting in her early teens and died suddenly at 17 with a weeping Washington by her bedside.

“He was very upset,” says Thompson. “Apparently, she had been doing better, and he and Martha were both terribly surprised that it happened and just devastated.”

The day Patsy was buried at Mount Vernon, Washington penned a letter to his brother-in-law relating the sudden loss of his “Sweet Innocent Girl” and its debilitating effect on Martha, which had "almost reduced my poor Wife to the lowest ebb of Misery."

Washington, a three-night miniseries event, premieres Feb 16 at 8/7c on HISTORY. Watch a preview now.

George and Martha Become Parents to Their Grandchildren

Eight years after Patsy’s death, Washington had a second act as the de facto father of two of his grandchildren. When Jacky died in 1781, George and Martha took in his two youngest children, two-year-old Eleanor Parke Custis Lewis (known as Nelly) and infant George Washington Parke Custis (affectionately called Washy).

When the Marquis de Lafayette visited Mount Vernon in 1784, he wrote of the warm relationship between the towering war hero and his three-year-old grandson. He described “a very little gentleman with a feather in his hat, holding fast to one finger of the good General’s remarkable hand, which (so large that hand!) was all the tiny fellow could manage.”

As Washy grew up, he inherited his father’s distaste for school. In a letter to the president of Princeton, where Washy was about to flunk out, Washington vents his frustration.

"From [Washy’s] infancy, I have discovered an almost unconquerable disposition to indolence in every thing that did not tend to his amusements,” wrote Washington, “and have exhorted him in the most parental and friendly manner, often, to devote his time to more useful pursuits…”

When Washy eventually dropped out of Princeton and came home to Mount Vernon to “study,” Washington wrote him with classic fatherly advice—“Rise early, that by habit it may become familiar, agreeable—healthy—and profitable”—and some good old-fashioned nagging.

“[T]he hours allotted for study, if really applied to it, instead of running up & down stairs, & wasted in conversation with any one who will talk with you, will enable you to make considerable progress in whatsoever line is marked out for you: and that you may do it, is my sincere wish.”

READ MORE: Did Washington Believe in God?

Washington Offered Advice on 'Cloying' Love 

George Washington at home with his family.

The stoic Washington we know from portraits was surprisingly keen on offering love and marriage advice to his granddaughters and nieces. When his 18-year-old granddaughter, Elizabeth Parke Custis Law, was discouraged that her younger sister had beaten her to the altar, Washington warned her of marrying only for love.

"Love is a mighty pretty thing; but like all other delicious things, it is cloying,” Washington wrote Elizabeth, “and when the first transports of the passion begins to subside, which it assuredly will do, and yield, oftentimes too late, to more sober reflections, it serves to evince, that love is too dainty a food to live upon alone, and ought not to be considered farther than as a necessary ingredient for that matrimonial happiness which results from a combination of causes."

Washington’s fatherly advice was routinely ignored. In a later letter to Elizabeth, Washington warns her about marrying an older man: “[F]or youth and old age, no more than winter & Summer, can be assimilated—the frigidity of the latter, cannot be kept in unison with the warmth of the former: and besides the habits of the two, are widely dissimilar.”

Two months later, Gehred says, Elizabeth became engaged to a man “twice her age.” Fifteen years after their marriage, the union ended in divorce.

Washington never formally adopted any of Martha’s children or grandchildren, but that didn’t make him any less of a father in their eyes. In 1776, a year into the Revolutionary War, a now-married Jacky was moved to write a heartfelt letter to Washington expressing what he had never been able to say in person.

"It pleased the Almighty to deprive me at a very early Period of Life of my Father, but I can not sufficiently adore His Goodness in sending Me so good a Guardian as you Sir,” wrote Jacky. “Few have experience'd such Care and Attention from real Parents as I have done. He best deserves the Name of Father who acts the Part of one."

READ MORE: 5 Myths About George Washington, Debunked

from Stories - HISTORY https://ift.tt/3bmfPeo February 07, 2020 at 10:10PM

[marjaystuff]

Elise Cooper’s Interview with Alyson Richman

The Secret of Clouds by Alyson Richman brings to life the bond between a teacher and student.  In the current environment, it is a reminder of how precious a life is even for a fleeting moment.  It is a story of hope and the dreams of a young boy who readers will connect with immediately.  

The book opens with Sasha and Katya living in the Ukraine.  They move to America but discover their young son, Yuri, has a major heart defect caused by the exposure to nuclear radiation.  Because of his condition he is not allowed to attend school with other students.  Assigned as a home school English teacher, Maggie Topper needs to find a way to connect with Yuri.  Realizing Yuri is passionate for baseball she uses it as a teaching tool, having him read the biography of Shoeless Joe.  Throughout the book are tidbits of baseball history as well as comparisons between baseball and Yuri’s life.

Although Richman is known for her historical novels, she ventured into the contemporary genre.  But she makes sure to include the historical significance of the era by delving into such topics as the Chernobyl disaster, baseball, music, and a mention of the Holocaust.  Trying to show Yuri that people always need hope, Maggie has him write a letter to his future eighteen-year-old self.  She precedes it by explaining to him how children in the Terezin Concentration Camp wrote poetry and drawings even when starving and freezing.  Maggie came to realize that “a teacher’s job is to make children feel safe, to make them believe their ability is boundless…to use their minds-and their imagination-in their darkest hour.” Yuri’s letter and the drawings/poetry of the Holocaust children sparked a creative dialogue where they were able to imagine the possibility of a better life.

This is a heartening tale of the influence a teacher has on a student, but also how a student can impact a teacher. Richman makes people think about the importance of life and how a child born can make such an impression on those adults around him, even for a short time.

Elise Cooper:  How did you get the idea for the story?

Alyson Richman:  I was at a friend’s house in August who is an elementary school teacher.  She mentioned in an off handed manner a project, having her class write an assignment to their eighteen-year-old self.  She holds on to the letters and mails it to them when they graduate high school.  They address it “from the past with a message for the future.” I was in awe of that assignment.  

EC:  You related it to this book?

AR:  The writer in me questioned if she ever had letters where the student has passed.  I found out there were about four or five students.  We discussed how holding on to the letter the child felt they had some future and yet it can come to pass that it might not turn out as everybody hoped.  She also had a child that died of cancer that got inadvertently mailed by her teaching assistant.  I thought how a teacher can be the lifeline for a family to the outside world.

EC:  You were known as a historical writer. Did you go cold turkey with this contemporary novel?

AR:  Not at all.  I made sure that this contemporary family had some historical past.  I was influenced by a former Ukraine nurse sitter for my son who lived there during Chernobyl.  She told me on the day it happened no one had any idea, and many were sun bathing in the river.  Only days later did the Soviet Union admit what happened, but unfortunately a lot of people absorbed so much radiation.  Many children were born with cancer, birth defects, or heart problems.  I hope I was able to connect the different cultures through books and even food.

EC:  It must be nerve-racking for a mother who fears she will outlive her child?

AR:  I could not imagine.  Yuri’s mom, Katya, desperately wanted to protect her child.  Think how worrisome it is for a mother to think her child’s heart could stop beating and not to be able to see any signs.  There was this powerful scene in the book where Yuri is sleeping in his crib and she is hovering over him to make sure his chest goes up/down.  I interviewed people who had children with rare heart defects and they never wanted to leave their children for even a minute.  Another scene has Maggie staying with Yuri so Katya can get some rest. As a mother, I kept thinking Yuri was my child.

EC:  Where did the title come from?

AR:  I put a sentence in the book, “We have to hope every family has a family cloud that will unite everyone.” It is based on my son saying that to me after my grandmother died.  I tried to explain death to him.  He wanted to know where she went, how is it she was here one day and gone the next.  He looked up to me and said, ‘mommy, I just have to hope there is a family cloud.’ I thought that was so beautiful.  

EC:  How do you feel about teachers?

AR:  This book is a love letter to the beauty of a student/teacher relationship.  I wanted to show how teachers leave fingerprints on their students, but also how the student makes an imprint on the teacher.  Maggie was able to open up Yuri’s mind and he was able to show her how important it is not to take any day for granted and to live one day at a time.  As I look back onto my own life there were teachers who encouraged me to be a writer.  They said, when, not if, I will become a writer.  They believed in my potential and enriched me.  

EC:  What was the role of baseball?

AR:  In a game anything can change around the corner.  Baseball can change on a whim, good and bad.  It relates to life, as one thing happens other situations transform.  

EC:  Are you a fan?

AR:  When I was little I was a diehard Yankee fan.  My son really loves baseball.  He has a boyish wonder and awe of this game.  I guess you can say I am a fan indirectly, through my son.  

EC:  What was the role of music?

AR:  In a lot of my books there is a nod to the violin.  My daughter and husband play it.  I wanted to weave something artful and beautiful that stirs the soul on an artistic level.  Where my daughter takes lessons is a luthier, someone who makes and repairs violins.  I gave Maggie’s father the backstory of making violins after he retired from his traditional job.  I wanted to show my readers you are never too old to learn a new art form.  The same can be said of Katya’s background.  As a ballet dancer in the Soviet Union I showed the details of what was expected.  Hopefully, the sense of beauty that music and dance can bring into our lives will come through.  Also, the character Daniel uses his personality to help him with his job.  He is a good listener, which enabled him to listen to the notes an orchestra plays and have the parts make a whole.

EC:  What do you want readers to get out of the story?

AR:  All my novels have a message of being kind to one another as the characters become knitted together.  In this book, light was brought into the household.  Within a community people could leave a lasting fingerprint on each other.

EC:  Can you give a heads up about your next book?

AR:  It is about a Viet Nam veteran and a Vietnamese child whose lives collide in the 1980s.  They helped each other to heal.  It will be another contemporary novel with historical significance.  

THANK YOU!!

[topinforma]

New Post has been published on Mortgage News

New Post has been published on http://bit.ly/2wC7UYl

7 Tips for Choosing the Right Executor

It’s an important question: Who can be trusted to take care of your estate when you’re gone?

SEE ALSO: Philip Seymour Hoffman’s $12 Million Estate Planning Mistake

When you pass away and your will is accepted for probate, your executor “steps into your shoes,” meaning he or she can perform all the legal tasks you used to do. This includes selling your property, paying creditors, bringing lawsuits, reviewing medical records and distributing your assets to others. Clearly, acting as an executor is an important job, so who should you choose to handle your final personal affairs? What traits make for a good executor, and who by default is unable to serve?

1. Pick Responsible Parties Only

The most important quality your executor must have is responsibility. You don’t have to be an attorney, accountant or a financial planner to be an executor. You just have to be responsible enough to hire the right people to help you, address estate matters quickly, effectively communicate with beneficiaries and make hard decisions when necessary. Remember that an executor gets paid a commission for doing his work, so you should expect him to pursue his responsibilities as he would for any other job.

If you do not have any responsible friends or family members, you can name an attorney, accountant, bank or trust company as executor. However, these parties usually charge additional fees for their own services (such as an accountant charging separately to prepare tax returns for your estate) or demand higher payments than a friend or family member (banks and trust companies often refuse to serve unless they make near-usurious commissions).

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2. Consider People in Good Financial Standing

Your choice of executor needs to have suitable personal finances of his own. People with many creditors and liens against them, individuals with no credit history and those who have declared bankruptcy are not good choices, since they often can’t get bonded.

“Bonding” is a form of insurance many courts may require, which serves the purpose of paying beneficiaries if an executor absconds with estate funds. If the bonding company feels an executor is a bad financial risk and won’t extend a bond, the court will likely not allow your choice of executor to be named.

3. Name at Least One Younger Successor

It is not unusual to only draft one will during your lifetime, and since wills do not expire your estate may be probated using a will that is more than 40 years old. Of course, many things can change during that time. While you only need to name one executor to make your will valid, you should try to name at least one additional younger, healthy successor executor who is likely to outlive you in case you only draft one will during your lifetime and your first choice of executor dies before you, or chooses not to serve.

This can either be done by explicitly naming the person (“If my husband is unable to serve, I appoint my friend Liza Cortez”) or by creating a mechanism in your will (“Any children of mine who are at least 30 years old at the time of my death shall serve as Successor Co-Executors”).

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SEE ALSO: Quiz: What Do You Know about Wills and Trusts? Test Your Estate-Planning Smarts

4. Don’t Worry: Location Usually Does Not Matter

An executor does not need to live close to you. Yes, he or she may prefer to make an in-person visit to your house to ensure your personal property is distributed and to meet with your estate’s attorney, but many of an executor’s tasks can even be done without ever coming to your town. If your estate requires a service, such as disposing of the furniture in your apartment, it is likely your executor can hire a company to do it for her, and pay a responsible party to be present while that service is provided.

5. No Drama, Please

Some people may have beloved friends or family members who are the estate’s only beneficiaries, but they do not get along. This is often the case where two siblings don’t like each other, or when one child took care of her parent the last several years of her life and is receiving the same bequest as her brother, who didn’t even call his parent during that time. If only one of the parties is named as executor she may use the position to exact revenge on the other individual by causing delays, adding hardship or just being mean.

In this situation, you have two choices: Either name both parties to serve together to force them to work with each other (thereby avoiding an unequal playing field), or name neither of them (and minimizing court disputes). The latter approach is often better.

SEE ALSO: How Wills and Trusts Work, and Where to Start

6. Don’t Name Disqualified Individuals

One of an executor’s primary purposes is to sign checks. Courts tend to not approve executors they have trouble getting jurisdiction over, as well as people who have a criminal past. Therefore, non-U.S. citizens living outside of the U.S. usually cannot act as sole executors, and former felons are almost always disqualified from being appointed.

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Remember that minors cannot serve as executors, and if you do name a person who is currently not a minor it is usually best to only allow him to serve if he has attained a certain age, since many 18-year-olds may not be ready to handle executor tasks.

7. Think About Someone Patient and Emotionally Grounded

Most important, you want an executor who can handle doing hard work without hesitation, maintain emotional balance and apply tough love to beneficiaries. At some level probate has not changed much in the last 600 years, meaning a system that was originally designed to transfer land and livestock now distributes stock portfolios, patents and corporate business interests. Mistakes can easily be made, clerks may disagree on their approach to authenticate documents or court procedures, and middlemen will get confused.

Do not be fooled: Probate work is hard for executors, bureaucrats and hired professionals. Even simple probates can be long and frustrating processes, from fulfilling seemingly arbitrary court requirements, to getting access to apartment keys and renting dumpsters. An executor must be ready to invest her time, not expect immediate perfection and remind beneficiaries to be patient.

SEE ALSO: 5 Avoidable Mistakes in the Will You Write

Daniel A. Timins is an estate planning and elder law attorney and a certified financial planner, helping clients with wills, probate, living needs and Medicaid planning.

Comments are suppressed in compliance with industry guidelines. Click here to learn more and read more articles from the author.

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

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[thenovelescapes]

march 2017

It’s spring time in Vancouver, aka. monsoon season. It’s raining constantly, and Daylight Savings has cloaked my 6am commute to work in total darkness, but the dreary rainy-ness makes it all the more satisfying to sit on the couch for hours on end and read or marathon insane amounts of TV. I hope you’ve all had a cozy, comfortable March.

- the television -

To start off the month, I finished off Fleabag! The final episode of the season is so good and addresses many of the big questions I had while watching. It’s a short season (only six episodes!) so you have no reason not to catch up on this wonderfully odd show.

In March, my parents and I continued our Mad Men viewing with seasons three and four. My interest in the plot and the majority of the characters has dwindled considerably through these two seasons, and I find that I’m a lot less invested in what happens, particularly with the company itself. But, I’m forging through, if only because my parents love it. We also plowed through the recently released third season of Grace and Frankie in two days. My dad officially loves the concept of “binging” but hasn’t quite accepted the long waits between seasons. Immediately after we finished the Grace and Frankie season finale, he asked: “When’s the next season?” and was unimpressed when I said it would be nearly a full year. That’s high praise, coming from him.

You Me Her is a half-hour dramedy about a married couple who meet, and fall in love, with a PhD candidate slash escort (Priscilla Faia), the three of them entering into suburban thrupledom. It is funny and sweet and romantic and complicated, and 75% of it is filmed on my alma mater’s campus. Season one illustrates the beginning their romance, while season two focuses on the realities of their situation as they go public with their relationship. There are certain elements of the show that bother me, mainly the husband’s jealousy and seemingly constantly roaming eye, but Izzy (Faia) is absolutely wonderful and it’s a really cool portrayal of polyamory and how fluid sexuality can be. Check it out!

Finally, this month I started re-watching Grey’s Anatomy because apparently I hate myself. I cannot believe that I have been watching this show for over a decade - it premiered when I was in middle school and I have been watching and re-watching it ever since. I have a love-hate relationship with Grey’s. The first three seasons remain some of my favourite television of all time, but as the plots veered into truly insane territory and more and more characters were killed off in increasingly ridiculous and implausible ways, I lost interest. And then regained interest. And then lost interest again. But I have never been able to abandon it completely. At this point, I think the show might outlive us all.

I finished season two last night, and sobbed like a baby through the final three episodes, as I do everytime I watch it. I’m not sure how far I’ll get in the series this time around, but it has been fun to revisit a simpler time, when the core five (Meredith, Alex, George, Izzie, and Cristina) were all alive and in the same place. 

- the books -

I am on a reading roll. According to Goodreads, I am currently eight books ahead of schedule on the road to reading (at least) 50 books in 2017. Here’s what I read in March:

Every Last Word, Before I Fall, and The Whole Thing Together are all YA novels. The first two were fine, if dull, but the third, by Ann Brashares, was not enjoyable. There were an unwieldy number of characters, a great deal of the dialogue seemed stilted, and the central romance made me profoundly uncomfortable. 0/10 do not recommend.

In Where Am I Now? Mara Wilson tells stories about her experience as a kid on movie sets, as well as what it was like to grow up while “accidentally famous”. So Sad Today is a strange book full of intensely personal essays and sensitive admissions from Melissa Broder. She speaks frankly about her drug and alcohol addiction, her mental health, and her sex life, and although I cringed once every three words, it was a worthwhile read. ODWABDANOTWM by Scaachi Koul was my favourite of the bunch. It’s smart and funny and full of love for her family, friends, and partner. Koul is Canadian, so there are some true Canada-specific gems (Related: I wonder if I can still access my Nexopia account) and I cried all the way through the last essay and Acknowledgements. You should absolutely read this book, but also follow Scaachi on Twitter - she’s hilarious.

The Mothers, All Grown Up, and The Best Kind of People are all adult fiction and all wonderful. The Mothers deftly spans nearly a decade and explores friendship, familial bonds, and abortion with a unique and compelling narrative frame. All Grown Up is a short novel with a protagonist who, at 39, is still figuring out how to be an adult in the world. Andrea is a mess, but she’s entertaining and trying her best. I finished The Best Kind of People a few days ago and have been able to think of nothing else since. The last line nearly made me shout out loud.

- the podcasts -

Podcasts continue to be great company on my long commutes and through my long work days. In March, I discovered Making Oprah, Still Processing, Death, Sex & Money and S Town. Making Oprah is a fascinating deep-dive on Oprah Winfrey’s empire. Still Processing is a podcast on pop culture, race and current events hosted by the lovely Wesley Morris and Jenna Wortham. Anna Sale hosts Death, Sex & Money and she is a superb interviewer, allowing each and every guest to open up about topics that can be uncomfortable or painful to talk about. Finally, S Town, from This American Life and Serial, was released all at once (seven episodes) on March 28th. I listened to the whole season in one afternoon. It has the elements of Serial that made the first season so memorable, but it also has a great deal more heart and focus on the people rather than what happened.

- the movies -

Every single movie I watched this month made me cry. This isn’t a surprise, exactly. I’m a crier. I cry watching television, most movies, even commercials. But I can’t say I expected to cry watching a movie that features Rebel Wilson and the woman from the 50 Shades franchise.

The Edge of Seventeen stars Hailee Steinfeld as a teenager who’s best friend begins dating the older brother she hates. It accurately captures the experience of being a teen and dealing with fraying friendships, annoying siblings, parents, dating, and mental health. Moonlight is every bit as good as you’ve heard. Don’t Think Twice focuses on an improv group (including Gillian Jacobs, Keegan Michael Key and Mike Birbiglia) as they struggle to “make it” as comics. How to Be Single is… not great. Too many love interests, too much Rebel Wilson, not enough of the main character’s sister. What If was a re-watch for me, and it remains a delightful romantic comedy. It stars Daniel Radcliffe, Zoe Kazan, and Adam Driver. You should watch it.

I hope you all had a lovely start to Spring, and as always, happy reading, watching & listening! 

[danielxrk]

                         ✞ INTERVIEW *    THE FIRST

it's strange, being in the interview room. well, it's not that strange, since he was just in one for the auditions, but this is something mostly new for the mgas, so he doesn't feel that same comfort of experience. instead, he feels some apprehension over his usual inability to speak well. he did something like this once during the mgas, when they asked him who his picks for best vocalist, singer and dancer were, but aside from that and last year's audition interview, that's all.

at least he knows now that he can write well, at least as far as songs go. if he can just get words like that to come out of his mouth somehow, he should be golden.

the interviewer greets him, and daniel smiles back with a bow. it gets started almost immediately.

"how did you feel when you received the news of the callback?"

he can't say like i deserved it, or i knew it from the start, even if he felt some of both-- strange and foreign, because for the most part neither were true. nothing was guaranteed, and he knew that, but maybe he expected it anyway. "it was a good feeling," he says, and that's innocent enough-- true, too. "it was...proof that i deserve to be here again? or that i get a chance to prove i deserve it. i thought i'd gotten better since last year, but if i didn't get this, it would mean i got worse, so i was-- i am --relieved, mostly. it feels like a second chance. i'm grateful."

"how was it seeing the set for the first time?"

he's sure they ask everyone these questions, mainly designed for new contestants, and he also can't answer this with it wasn't that different from last time, even though he thinks it, but-- "it's cooler than last time," he says with a grin. "it was a little intimidating-- more the amount of people than the set itself? i don't think there were this many people last year, but it felt..." he hums, trying to think of how to describe it. it didn't feel like coming home, no, that's not it at all, but like coming back to an old stomping ground to reclaim his honor, like walking into his chance for vengeance. "it felt good to be back," he settles on, that grin back on his face.

"what did you think when the judges were revealed?"

"i thought 'isn't this early?'" he admits with a laugh. "but i was still a little shocked by how impressive they are, even after already seeing them before. i guess that isn't what i remember most about the show. you can tell they know what they're doing, and i...want to impress them more than i did last year. i want to earn another compliment from them this time."

"how do you think you did?"

he smiles, not in a self-satisfied way, but more thoughtful. "i don't know," and it's honest. "i was just enjoying myself, really, so i don't know if i did good or bad, but i'm satisfied with it." that answer could be enough, but the thought of his performance makes more emotions surface, and he dwells, for a moment, on whether he should share them or not. he doesn't know if any of this will air, but his motto so far this competition has been i'm not guaranteed anything, so i'll give it everything i have right now. maybe that counts for this, too. "i wanted to prove i'm different now than i was last year-- someone better, in every way. i wrote a lot of songs in the past year, both for empty enigma's album and not, and i think that might be the thing i'm best at, so even if i was nervous to share that, i wanted to show the best side of myself that i could. i know i'm far from the best singer in the competition, and that i can barely dance, and maybe i can rap okay. it might be kind of cool that i can both sing and rap, but i think...my song sets me apart?" but that makes it more personal, too, and will make the criticism sting more. it's not his best song, either, but it's one his heart is in. "i hope everyone liked it." a laugh follows it up, "if they didn't, that's okay too. at least i'd be remembered as the guy with the bad song instead of not remembered at all." he doesn't know which is better, really, but at least that's something.

"were there any performances you liked?"

"oh, there were a lot!" he chimes in happily. "i probably can't just say everyone in empty enigma, right? but i thought they all did well, anyway, so i can't not mention them. i've never seen kenta and woojin dance before, actually, so it was really nice to see them do it on a stage like this. minhyun too! he hasn't in the band for too long, so i think we're still getting to know all of his talents. i'm glad he gets to show them off." but sungwoon? "i think sungwoon did the best, though. don't tell the others," he laughs. "his performance was really..." what can he even say? was his reaction anything indicative of what anyone else thought while watching him, or was it a unique experience, as the one being sung about. "moving? yeah. you could tell he meant what he was singing, and i think that's...a unique quality in a performer, and an important one. sometimes that's more important than talent, but he has both. i'm jealous," he adds it as an after-thought, but breaks into a smile shortly after.

"were there any performances you didn’t like?"

the most useful thing his mother taught him was the old proverb if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all-- probably much of the reasoning why daniel so rarely spoke previously, and he's still outgrowing that phrase, or at least outgrowing the thought that he never has anything nice to say. "my mom always said 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," he says it anyway, eyes downcast, and he scratches at is elbow, wrestling with this question. he'd probably get more screentime if he just dissed someone, right? but he doesn't need it that badly-- not at the cost of his integrity.

"there were some arrangements i didn't like. that's the only thing i feel qualified to have a real opinion about, honestly," he decides. because i'm not good at anything else is what goes unspoken. it's probably inferred. "there was also the trot cover of...ring ding dong?" he laughs at even the mention of it. "i thought it was weird, but it was pretty funny, and definitely not forgettable, so i have to give him credit. i still don't know if i liked it or not, honestly. i'm just confused, still." suwoong is an interesting character, that's for sure.

"i feel like there were a lot of forgettable performances, too, but i think that just...happens, with 100 people. standing out is probably what's most important in this part of the competition." i hope i do.

"what did you think of joohyun’s performance?"

his face lights up at the mention of her, beaming ear to ear. "i was so surprised!" he says. "joohyun and i are good friends," he explains. the backstory seems necessary, and maybe if this doesn't get cut, her choosing to sing one of empty enigma's songs will make more sense. "i grew up with her, and then i moved away, and just kept meeting her again and again, even after that. she played in a band, and she played in a lot of the same places we did, so i still kept running into her, but i didn't keep in touch with her until after last year's mgas. she's gotten to know all of the guys since then, so most of us know her pretty well. i guess she wanted to support us." no, that was definitely too long to make the cut, but maybe dramatic enough to get partially aired. no, probably not. there are some very important facts he hasn't touched on yet, however, and the close-lipped smile on his face is a proud one, if not a little smug. "that was my song! i mean, it's empty enigma's song, but it's one of the ones i wrote and composed, so i felt really honored."

"is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?"

"nothing is certain," he replies easily, gaze growing a little distance, but that much he's sure of. he looks back up, to meet the eyes of the interviewer, and then the camera. "i guess...maybe mason? you could see his experience up on stage. it was really impressive, even to someone like me who hasn't paid much attention to idols. he was in a group before, right?" "convex," one of the producers supplies, and daniel nods knowingly despite still not knowing what the hell that is. it sounds vaguely familiar. maybe they're one of the groups jeongin likes? why is he not in convex anymore, though? maybe baek jiyoung wouldn't be too happy to see him...nothing is guaranteed. "maybe sungwoon too, though. he has the experience, the talent, and the stage presence, and i don't know what else a judge would want. i'm not just saying that because i'm his friend, but because he's genuinely so much better than me. i look up to him, and i think lots of people would, and that seems like something the judges would like, too."

"is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?"

he can't help but laugh, even in the face of a harsh question. "i won't say the same thing again," he assures, even though it applies here, too. he wracks his brain for bad performances, and some stand out. "i don't know their names, but there were a few people with unstable vocals, and a couple that forget their lyrics. i don't know if that will be enough to eliminate them, because i think if they made it here, they have potential," and he nods, eyes drifting down to his lap. "i was almost eliminated at this point last year," and he'll never forget it, and the guilt he felt for outliving hyunjoon even though he didn't want this dream then. there's uncertainty even now. "every week i thought i would be eliminated, but i wasn't. i'm grateful the judges saw enough potential in me to keep me for so long, and to let me learn so much. i think it would be nice if people that are lacking today got the same chance i did, but i know someone needs to be eliminated. i think the judges will make a good decision."

the interviewer announces that as the end, and daniel's a little startled by how quickly it came to an end. he feels less confident now than he did for his audition, answering now after hours of sitting and feeling drained on every level. maybe he did the best he could. he bows again, then exits, and joins his friends, waiting in anticipation of the results, a pit in his stomach on behalf of the others.

[danielxrk]

          ✞ TEAM JINIELJI * LOVE SHOT  { performance details }

( * mentioned, some very briefly: @rkkhg @hyojinrk @rkxsungwoon @rksihyeon @rkmason @rkminhyun @jacksxnrk @rkpjy @rkkenta @rkpwj @hakyeonrk )

[ event mods this isn’t relevant ]

there’s only one set of interviews to sit through before results-- only a few moments more of this excruciating, agonizing wait. now, he tries to pass it with idle conversation with hyojin and hyunggu, though it’s all surface level, and he can’t focus on any of it. the results come soon enough, and daniel feels nauseated. he doesn’t want to send hyojin home, but if sungwoon gets eliminated, he wants to go down with him, just like last year. it’s only right. this is the only way it makes sense.

the winners come first, and daniel was so preoccupied with fretting that he didn’t even let himself get his hopes up. maybe he forgot this was even a part of the competition with his eagerness for today to be over, so needless to say, when his and hyojin’s names come up in the top three, he’s shocked. he looks over at hyojin mouth agape, but even in his downtrodden state, he can’t help but smile at him. as they make their way up the stage, both with their first appearances in the top three, more than being proud of their performance, he's proud that they made it there together, newbies, undeniably there due to their performance together and not due to a pairing with a front-runner.

his nerves set in back when he's on stage, not because he's afraid for these results, but for the ones that come after, that tension in his shoulders that he tries not to let show on his face, but there is still an inkling of wanting to win. next to these competitors, he doesn't think he has what it takes to best him, but he wants to. he wants to be good enough for that. sia's duo is the one to win, and it's not that he's surprised about that, moreso he's surprised it isn't minho. he looks at him with that surprise written on his face, then bows, and really, top three is more than he could've ever asked for.

that acknowledgement does not stay with him, and does not resurface until far, far later.

next comes the moment he's been waiting for, or dreading, depending on perspective, and-- actually, it doesn't come. what comes are different results he entirely forgot about, and he gets his hopes up that he'll see minhyun, and yet part of him wishes, if sungwoon gets eliminated tonight, that they all do-- that they can go back to the band, and the reason why they're all here. in come jackson and jinyoung, and truthfully, expected, but disappointing-- not that he's disappointed it's them coming back, but minhyun, officially eliminated. their unrealistic hopes of getting signed to the same company and continuing on as a unit, even if not empty enigma in name, gone.

sungwoon's elimination is also expected, but disappointing-- no, devastating. daniel knew. daniel knew in his heart that this was the inevitable result; it's why he reacted so intensely, and yet there was some part of them that hoped the judges would overlook their mistake in favor of what daniel sees in them. saw in them. no, still sees in them, even eunji, with all of their complicated history.

he sits stiff, silently inconsolable, deaf to any words around him through the announcement of the next challenge-- vaguely hears trios and who he's grouped with and nova but doesn't even have the heart appreciate the irony or fate of it all. all he hears is i want to go home, i want to go home, i want to go home, reverberating in every corner of his very existence, and the dreadful sinking feeling that he can't. he can't even leave because it would inconvenience jinyoung and yeji. regardless, when they're done speaking, he practically launches himself out of his chair and rushes over to sungwoon, lacking words, lacking anything but the clear and heavy concern in his eyes. he hugs him, because he hasn't in too long, and he doesn't have the words to explain how he feels, let alone here.

sungwoon pulls away from the hug too soon-- mumbles an apology, and it leaves daniel cold, such an unfamiliar feeling when it comes to sungwoon. "don't be sorry," he says, delayed, likely too late, and he doesn't even know if he means it. he wishes it was different, so he wouldn't be eliminated here, like this, so maybe sungwoon should be sorry, because it could've been prevented. sungwoon could've caught it. maybe he should be sorry, for leaving daniel alone in this without him after everything. he never even considered a reality where he would outlive sungwoon on this show, like it goes against the very laws of the universe.

the exchange of contact information with jinyoung is awkward and reeking of exhaustion from the day's results for both of them, but it's quick, and he already has yeji's, so that makes it all the easier to do what he really wants to do: just leave.

friday, he considers not even showing up-- going to work over going to practice, which is evidence enough of how little he still wants to be in this competition. there is some small, rational albeit often drowned out voice in his head that says you can't leave kenta and woojin alone in this after you dragged them into it, and maybe that's what compels him to go. no-- it's the fact that his boss calls him and tells him he doesn't have to come in, and to just focus on the competition that doesn't give him an excuse anymore. it's like he knew. somehow he just knew daniel so desperately wanted an out and refused to give it to him. daniel on the other hand, knows he'll have to use all of his vacation time for every other day he needs off for this competition, which only makes him want to get eliminated even more.

[ relevancy starts here ]

still, he shows, and unsurprisingly, jinyoung and yeji are already there. he greets them with the ghost of a smile that he doesn't mean, then takes to the practice room floor with them to sort through potential song choices, except...it's mostly jinyoung and yeji deciding. neither daniel's head nor heart are in the right place to contribute, even if he wants to, distant and spacey and empty of his usual inspiration-- emotionally exhausted. 

upon his own arrival in their shared practice room, kenta plows into daniel with a hug, and daniel barely has time to consider the consequences of this action before he casts them aside in favor of clinging to his friend, and this pillar of much needed, albeit distant, support here. “do your best,” he encourages him in a whisper, unable to wish bad upon kenta even if he wants nothing more than for them all to go home to empty enigma. when kenta pulls away, retreating to his side of the practice room, daniel feels better and more desperate to keep them all together simultaneously. he just doesn’t know how to achieve that anymore.

his teammates still call him on his distance, naturally, though daniel is too surprised by it. he jumps, and tries to cover his tracks. i just don't have any ideas yet, he claims, and it's not a lie, even though there's much, much more. they press him more for ideas, and he truly doesn't have any, so he shakes his head, he apologizes, and feels more out of his depth than he has during any other point in the competition. he feels backed into a corner, and he feels terrified, as averse to confrontation as always.

he can't say he just wants to go home. he can't say he doesn't want to be in this competition anymore-- that a large reason he just doesn't have anything to add is because he doesn't want to try, he just wants to be eliminated. the mgas sufficiently sucked the life and soul out of him in a two day period, and he doesn't think he has anything left to give. "i'm not at my best right now," he admits instead. "my friends--" and he sucks in a big breath of air, puffs out his cheeks, and exhales, because he doesn't want to say it. not here, not on camera, not when he's still supposed to want this. "whatever you guys want to do is fine, really."

they still don't take that answer. they can tell he wants to give up, and yeji tries to motivate him gently at first. daniel still can't find it in him to listen to her, so it's jinyoung that takes the direct approach, grabs him by the shoulders and says "if you give up now you realize you're proving everyone right? that you were here just for your band and that without them you can't cope?"

"he's right, oppa. you can't go out without knowing you did your best." it leaves daniel stunned, but he knows they're right. yet in the face of his overwhelming emotions and the talent of his teammates, he doesn't even think he has a right to contribute, even with a growing desire to-- not to avoid his own elimination, but to give them a performance they can be proud of. they go through some more song options, this time, daniel more actively engaged.

they settle on exo as an artist, or at least jinyoung and yeji do, while daniel agrees because at least he actually knows them, after hyojin taught him about so many kpop artists last week. they go through a few of their songs, daniel still listening close to silently, unmoved by most options. "i think any of them would be fine," daniel answers when prompted, and yeji scowls at him. "at least tell us which ones you like better than the others," so daniel does. he points out call me baby when they play it, and love shot especially gives him pause. "i think love shot sounds cool," and the others like it too, so at least it's a song they're all willing to do, though they have no further direction.

"i'm not good at dancing," he supplies, his first meaningful assistance to the team, and they nod, and-- yeah, they probably already knew that. yeji, at least, already knew that. "i wouldn't mind just singing and rapping, but that would disadvantage yeji," jinyoung adds, and daniel nods, albeit hesitantly, knowing he's right once again. still, isn't there a way for them to all do their strengths without forcing themselves into areas they're weak in? then again...does he really care? if he wants to go home, he can dance. that would certainly get him his ticket very quickly, and yet...

yeji takes the opportunity, now that they've decided on a song, to go get herself some water. "you're still quiet," jinyoung notes, and daniel blinks, wide-eyed, not conscious of his time zoned out. "i was thinking about the performance. promise," he assures him, but jinyoung still looks skeptical.

"so, what were you thinking?" jinyoung asks him, and daniel hesitates once again.

"i was thinking...do we all need to do each other's strengths, or...?" he doesn't know whether he should share more of those thoughts, and yet, "i was thinking me dancing would be a surefire way for me to go home." he doesn't need to tell him how much he wants to go home.

"then what would you rather show?" it’s not...exactly accusatory, but daniel worries it’s accusatory.

"i don't...think i have very much to show, especially not anything i didn't already. it'll be just like eric said,"  a repeat.

"and you think the little kid has something better to show? take what he said and use it. fight, don't just stand there and let him and all the others decide who you are.  because i'm honestly starting to believe them," and the classic evidence of their birthplace, busan, makes an appearance: satoori.

daniel gawks, and feels his heart somewhere in his stomach, freezes up in the face of such unavoidable, explosive confrontation, and it's his nature to want to diffuse it by any means possible-- to concede and cower and back down, and yet he has more confidence than he did before-- than he did last year. now, there is a fire, however small, and it all converges in a "you don't know who i am," albeit muted, an emergence of his own satoori, and he means it in more ways than one.

jinyoung. daniel and jinyoung knew each other a long time ago, back in that shared birthplace, when they were young, and before daniel's family whisked themselves away to vancouver following a job opportunity for his father. they did so quietly, and daniel, at least, told no one, young and unsure entirely what moving would entail-- only sure that he certainly didn't want to stumble through any goodbyes, conflict-averse even then. so he just didn't say any, including to jinyoung, and he never saw him again until on this show. daniel is certain this fact is a motivator behind many of jinyoung's harsh words toward him; he must resent him for leaving busan without saying goodbye, as so many have. it's understandable. it must be personal.

jinyoung is clearly tired of daniel's self-deprecation, on top of his lack of input and lack of spirit. "if you want to show you’re your own person, it's time to prove it. you're creative and good-looking; put these assets to work. show us who you are."

yeji, apparently returned from her water break without daniel's knowledge chimes in with a, "show us who you are," the same time as jinyoung's.

"i'm sorry," he says, and he once again knows they're right. he wants to prove it. if he's going to go down (and he's sure he's going to go down) then he wants to do it fighting, especially since yeji and jinyoung won't accept anything less, rightfully so. "i just don't know what to do," a response out of instinct, more desperation in his voice.

"did you improve since last year at all?" jinyoung asks regardless, busan dialect still strong, and daniel's resolve strengthens too-- his near non-existent temper flares, because this is an answer he knows. this-- all promotion of empty enigma aside-- is why he's here for a second year in a row.

"are you here to diss each other or practice?” yeji asks them, clearly unamused herself, but that doesn't stop daniel from responding.

"yes!" he argues back, with feeling, even if he deflates a little, immediately guilty of anything resembling an outburst, but his renewed strength still remains. "i used to be bad at everything, but now i'm decent at two things. plus, i can play multiple instruments, i can arrange music and write songs, and--"

yeji looks right at him. "did you already perfect the entire dance choreo oppa? is that why you are acting like this? AT LEAST SPEAK KOREAN IF YOU ARE GONNA FIGHT."

"we are speaking korean!" jinyoung and daniel fire back in unison.

"look at you, you're synchronized already."

yeji's dragging them out of their argument is successful, like a bucket of much needed cold water poured on daniel to calm him down, and he actually manages a little laugh. he looks over at jinyoung, and he doesn't look as upset as he should be, all things considered.

"you can do this, and prove everyone wrong, but to be able to, you need to believe in yourself, and you need to participate," jinyoung says, more calmly now, and daniel wonders if jinyoung wanted to make him snap, just so he'd finally take a stand for something.

"okay," daniel agrees, because jinyoung has been right all along, and he knows it. daniel has received enough criticism to last him a whole year from the netizens online, and from people in their interviews, and even someone as passive as he is wants to make them take it back. he wants to invalidate them, and each week he survives is more and more proof that they were wrong. even if he still doesn't want to survive this week, he does want to put together a performance that will make them eat their words. "i'll do my best, but let's try to dance as little as possible so we do well?"

"so, are we going to hug, or are we going to argue in satoori again?" jinyoung asks, and daniel laughs, and reaches toward him for a hug, however awkward.

yeji coos at them in the background, and subsequently gets pulled into a hug along with them, and maybe this conflict, at the very least, wasn't as bad as daniel thought.

when they pull away, daniel is finally ready to get down to business, and the fog in his mind clears just enough for him to finally have an idea.

"jinyoung can sing, yeji can dance, and i can rap." he can't rap that well, but he can-- better than anyone else on this team, and it may be an asset here. "can we do something with that? each of us putting our respective skills on display? i'd like to do a different arrangement too, if we could," because if they want him to show who he is, that's an important part.

they agree to that, and daniel goes further with the idea, goaded on by their approval. "we can give jinyoung the first singing part, and give me the first rapping part, and give yeji a dance solo afterwards to really highlight it. then we can all sing and rap together, combining those two skills, and then..." god, he doesn't want to say it. he doesn't want to do it.

"dance?" yeji asks, and daniel nods, very hesitantly. "i think it would make the most sense...for all three skills to come together at the end. just-- not too much!! okay?" and yeji agrees to that too. "we could start out all sitting down, and you can play your guitar, oppa, and then dance after that?" yeji offers, and daniel nods. the guitar is an important part of his identity too, after all. they listen to the original love shot over and over, deciding which parts they want to include, and what they want to cut to keep within their three minute timeframe. daniel is very careful; he learned the dangers of not checking times the hard way last week, and yet-- he wonders if it would be so bad for them to mess this up, knowing he's the weakest performer of the three, and that he would likely take the fall for it. no, they'll catch that mistake, even if daniel wanted to put them through that embarrassment (he doesn't.)

after that, they separate, yeji to figure out what parts of the dance they should do, and how much, and jinyoung and daniel to do the line distribution. "i was thinking it would be cool if we open with your singing, so it focuses on that individual skill, then i rap, so it focuses on that one, and then yeji has her dance solo for the chorus to focus on that skill, them separated like that, and maybe a spotlight on each of us as we do each part, so we aren't just standing there," he laughs, and jinyoung gives his approval, and daniel smiles, pleased his ideas are being received so well after the trouble he gave them earlier. they listen to the original love shot over and over, and daniel shares his thoughts on how he'll change the arrangement so jinyoung will know how to best match the lyrics to it and assign them.

they gather together once again once the line distribution is done, however, and yeji isn't pleased. she sends daniel a glare, and he's taken aback. “are you underestimating me?” what is it, not enough lines? he looks down at the sheet, and he supposes his and jinyoung's lines usurp her own, but he thought such a long dance solo during the first chorus would put her on their level; he wanted to highlight them all. but no, she wants to sing before her dance solo, and daniel doesn't say that kind of ruins the entire concept, even if he wants to. instead, his fear of conflict wins out, and he insists, "no!!" and if she wants more lines...he looks to jinyoung, since it's his she'll be taking. "it's up to jinyoung hyung!" and he grins. understandably, jinyoung has her sing the lines she looks to take, and when she passes his test, they edit the line distribution accordingly.

he tries not to let his disappointment show. with this change, they still find a way to highlight their skills: a spotlighted bridge for jinyoung, and yeji's dance solo stays, as does her own spotlight. all that's left is daniel, and his...spotlighted rap? "rapping isn't my best skill," he admits, and he realizes how it sounds-- "not that i'm bad at it!" he might be. "i'm just better with instruments, so maybe my highlighted point should be with my guitar." they talk over a potential guitar solo for daniel, and where to place it; yeji suggests they use it as they instrumental of the first half of the first chorus, preceding yeji's dance solo, but daniel shakes his head, because he wants her to have that all to herself.

"maybe an intro?" he offers, and they're all in agreement. he'll play the familiar love shot chorus from the very start, so everyone knows exactly what they're in for-- well, hopefully not exactly. daniel still aims to take the audience by surprise, as he always does, as predictable as they claim he is. this entire competition, he's proceeded with a determination to present different performances, all connected by the thread of who he really is, and this time, he intends to do the same.

there's just the very unfortunate fact that he didn't bring his guitar with him today.

so saturday he comes into practice with it strapped to his back, thoughts and heart more in order to do his best even if he still wishes he was already eliminated. he wasn't, so, he'll...well, he still doesn't really know what he'll do. his best? he doesn't know what his best is right now, either. maybe his best right now is worse than it's ever been, but he tries not to let himself sink too far into that mindset, lest he incur jinyoung's wrath again.

this time, he actually arrives before his teammates, and he sits with his guitar, expanding on the bare bones of the arrangement he started putting together when he got home last night (though he was mostly just too tired to get through much.)

yeji arrives first, and when she does, she wastes little time-- says “i have fixed the choreo, so that you should be able to dance it,” and nods, and he can see her determination. "great," he replies, dripping in far too much sarcasm, so he repeats it, brightly this time, and with a smile: "great!"

the day is spent starting on the choreography, since they all know that's what daniel will need the most work in, and him sufficiently getting his ass kicked, both by the very act of dancing, and his teammates as well. when he needs a break, he can return to the ever-present comfort of his guitar, grateful for the fact that this is still useful to their performance too, not just an excuse to avoid dancing or to take his mind off of the trials of the past few days and the inevitable ones to come. he listens to the original love shot, translates them to different sounds, all instruments he can manage in his head, and the others run their lines, and yeji chips away at her dance solo. thankfully, they leave him to this until yeji decides he's remained idle for too long and forces him into more dance practice.

all is well until the staff informs them that their plans for spotlights aren't allowed, all lighting to remain the same throughout all performances, and daniel becomes dejected. not only was his original plan for layering skills one on top of the other thrown out eventually, but their one to literally spotlight each of their strengths is foiled now, too. they discuss how to change this-- how to make their highlighted moments less awkward for the others, and with that settled, it's back to the dancing.

he hasn't danced in so long-- at least not properly. the last time was when joohyun tried to help him with this fruitless pursuit before trc's triple threat challenge, but he quickly opted out of that in favor of only singing and rapping, thus throwing the competition altogether in favor of enjoying the stage itself. huh. maybe this is a common thread. since then, the last time he danced was on the last season of the mgas, unlike his band-mates, who all surpassed him in dancing by a long shot within the past year.

it's so utterly clear how out of his element he is, and even more, how little he wants to be in this element. he stumbles and he forgets moves, head still foggy and not entirely present despite a renewed will to do his best since yesterday, and he apologizes. he apologizes and apologizes again and again, mistake after mistake. “don’t apologize for making mistakes, just practice so you don’t make them when we are performing– this is where you can make mistakes,” yeji says, and it's equal parts kind and stern; daniel can appreciate her approach, and he nods.

however, jinyoung chimes in with a, "if you get a move wrong during the actual performance will you start saying sorry? because that won't do," which daniel appreciates a great deal less, regardless of the statement's validity. he doesn't want to argue again-- knows they don't have time for arguing again, and wouldn't know what to say if he wanted to, so he just replies with a resigned "no," and gets back to practice.

his guilt with every mistake doesn't quite lesson, nor does his compulsive need to apologize every time he doesn't reach a certain standard of perfection (thanks, mom) so an apology slips past his lips again on instinct, and this time, it's not one of his teammates that scolds him. instead, it's jungeun from the other team.

"i know we're on different teams but if you don't get your shit together then you might as well tune your bass again instead of being here," she says, and daniel, once again, is taken back by her sheer audacity, and he stares for several moments, fighting back his clenching jaw and fists for the sake of the cameras, choosing his words very carefully, because he will be the one to make her look bad here if he can help it. his gaze is still harder than usual, even if he keeps his expression level, masked by something pleasant. "i'm going to get better just so i can beat you jungeun-ssi," he says, and he bows to her slowly, making the under-handedness of it more apparent, even if it could be mistaken as something respectful and bright.

he returns to practice with a renewed determination after that, and less apologies, accompanied by yeji into the night. jungeun's words twist in his head long enough that they weigh heavily on him before long, another reminder that if he can't do better, he doesn't deserve to be here. if he doesn't want to be here, that should be just fine, right? it's not like he disagrees with her, but someone else saying it...if sungwoon was still here, it would be easier to endure-- easier to believe he deserves to be anywhere sungwoon still is, too. but sungwoon isn't here. here, it's just daniel, jinyoung and yeji, and kenta, farther out of reach than daniel wants him to be, jungeun and hansol by his side, like they're all suspended in their own corner of the universe while gravity still pulls daniel somewhere else.

[ no reading necessary unless you want to read some emo gay shit ]

he follows that pull to the familiar door of the sharehouse the other empty enigma members occupy, and lets himself in with the key he's kept ever since he lived on their couch while searching for his own place. he doesn't know who he expects find there, if anyone- all of them out practicing or asleep, but his feet still carry him to that sofa anyway and he lays there, face down, entirely exhausted. he feels better already; he misses them, and just being here eases that feeling.

"quit being a baby," and it's sungwoon's voice. daniel doesn't reply-- just stays there, and he feels movement, the couch dips by his head, sungwoon squeezing in to sit. daniel is too drained to even lift his head, and sungwoon runs his fingers through daniel's hair, and they just stay like that, silent. sungwoon, always reliable, quiet companionship even after his own elimination, and daniel missed him.

when he finally speaks, it's "sungwoon, i love you and i don't want to do this without you," and it's without even a thought-- not a single worry, so simple to say, like it's the easiest thing in the world. daniel doesn't even think of the potential impact of those words, spoken so casually-- words daniel sees as just a quiet, indisputable fact, and a fact he's known for what seems like so long. thoughts stripped away by exhaustion, new troubles on his shoulders temporarily on hold, and for once, this is not one of them. it's easy. (one day, he'll tell sungwoon he's been in love with him since last of the real ones, and that what started as a feeling he tried to stifle and choke back then grew into a truth he just knows now. he doesn't think to do that either, relaxed into this rare slice of reality where he doesn't need to think at all.)

“you have to do it," sungwoon tells him, and where daniel would usually protest anywhere else, for sungwoon, he listens, and turns so he can look up at him. "for me, and for minhyun, and for kenta and woojin.” sungwoon really wants him to keep going forward. there's a part of him that wishes he would've just said you can come home anytime. he craves validation for his feelings, but it only becomes clearer and clearer that they just aren't. "i love you. i believe in you," sungwoon adds, and daniel feels his vision blur, and tells himself it's because of exhaustion and not tears-- not because sungwoon's love remains overwhelming and undeserved, or because it always comes when he needs it most.

he covers his face with his hands, and lets out a long groan to hide the depth of his emotions, before he answers with a begrudging, "fine," but he's only kidding. how can he not do it for sungwoon and the others? if he was willing to go home for them, how can he not fight for them too, if they want him to? he doesn't want to leave kenta and woojin alone in a competition he dragged them into, either.

he inches forward until his head is in sungwoon's lap, and he stares off toward the turned off tv in front of him, and what he says is soft: "i just want all of us to be able to stay together." i want to be able to stay with you.

"we're not going anywhere," sungwoon responds, and it's without much air. daniel doesn't think he can say it and mean it, even less that he can be certain of it, but daniel wants to believe. he wants to believe he didn't drive empty enigma to its death in a venture intended only to benefit it, even though with each passing day in the competition, it becomes clearer and clearer that they aren't emerging unscathed. if he, kenta and woojin survive until the end, and obtain one of those contracts none of them expected or wanted, even then, they will only be at half strength. even less is the likelihood that the same company will want any of them, or their past history as a metal band. daniel wants to believe it's all or nothing-- that they all would succeed together, and now the only option is for them to go down together.

"i don't wanna be a dumb trainee, i wanna be in my dumb band," daniel whines, and he almost kicks his feet to punctuate the tantrum, but that would require more movement than his already sore limbs are capable of. he continues to complain, and to whine, but only because he's already made up his mind to do his best from now on, because they want him to succeed, and he doesn't want to make them sit through him moping on television any more than he already has. sungwoon endures him, and when daniel has run out of worries to spout, quelled in the security of his presence, he lets himself fully sink into sungwoon's support.

he doesn't realize he fell asleep until he wakes up, suddenly confused about where he is and what he's doing and what year it is. "what the fuck..." he mumbles, and he turns and looks up, and there sungwoon still is, and previously conscious daniel's thoughts and recollection finally bleed into presently conscious daniel's for everything to make sense.

"it’s 2022. the world has ended. the only people left alive are you and me. there are zombies outside of this apartment," sungwoon says.

"oh, okay," daniel plays along like that makes sense, and he still just looks up at him. "not a bad way to go," too sincere, eyes drowsy but unmistakably fond.

sungwoon looks kind of frozen, and the weight and meaning of what he just said settles in, so daniel backpedals-- hint of a smile disappears, replaced by a growing blush. "well, i guess the zombie part would kind of suck, but--" not you. not being with you.

"nevermind," he chuckles, nervous. "i guess i should leave at some point, huh?"

"you can stay over if you want. on account of the zombies. you know."

"well, i guess it would be pretty dangerous to go outside," daniel jokes, like he's considering this offer for these reasons alone, and really, he is, but he rubs his eyes. "no, i want to, but i really should go. i have church tomorrow morning and i don't think i could get away with wearing clothes i practiced in the day before."

he lingers for a little longer, trying to sear this into his memory for the days, maybe weeks, he'll have to go forward without him, and then he finally sits up. when he stands, it's with an over-exaggerated groan on behalf of everything in his body that aches.

"be safe," sungwoon tells him.

"yeah! i will," daniel replies easily. "see you soon, sungwoon hyung," and it's a promise.

when he gets home, after he falls into bed:

✉ ⊰ sungwoon hyung ⊱  ✉ wait, you think the world is ending in three years?

[ the gay emo shit is over but this still isn't relevant ]

sunday morning comes, and daniel, used to lack of sleep as he is, still gets out of bed, gets ready, and goes. it all comes as some kind of relief-- usual routine to remind him that some of life is still the same, even in the earthquake of his own. he picks his grandmother up, and she congratulates him on making it to the top three, and he smiles, and apologizes to her in advance for the upcoming performance. apologizing for how bad his dancing will be, or for the nature of said dancing? a mystery.

[ warning: homophobia ]

she tells him about her week as he drives, and he listens, and finds solace in this, too-- familiar noise to root himself in, unshakable love found everywhere even in trying times. when they arrive at church, she pulls him into a warm hug, and she is clearly the more powerful one despite how he towers over her in height. he hugs her back, and shuts his eyes, and it's like she just knows, without him ever telling her the details of his band, or about sungwoon, or minhyun. she just knows, and he tries not to dwell on what she might think if he told her everything about sungwoon he has to say.

service comes as a comfort too, and it puts his head back on straight. ultimately, none of this is for him to decide. it's not just a matter of him not being able to control the judges, or whatever plan they have for him and the empty enigma members, but it's about all of this being...bigger than him. it's about empty enigma being a blessing granted to him that he was never guaranteed he would get to keep-- one he never expressed enough gratitude for, and it's about whatever it is god is writing out for him, and about trust. it's a reminder that despite this overwhelming feeling of life spinning entirely out of control, if what he claims to believe is true, that still operates within god's perfect sphere of control.

so this is all a part of god's perfect plan. he tries to accept it at face value, and not dig too deep into it-- not to wonder if this is the shoe finally dropping on him and sungwoon, evidence that god wants to tear them apart, and that daniel has overstepped boundaries, or at the very least, pushed them too far.

[ homophobia end ]

when the service ends, he stays behind, sending his grandmother ahead of him, sitting as the place clears out, because there's much to pray about, so he does.

he prays for guidance, and the right attitude going into the rest of the week, and that god would keep empty enigma together, or help him accept it if that's not his will. he prays for the others in the competition: strength for woojin and kenta, and that their time practicing is successful and isn't too trying, and that regardless of what happens, they'd give performances they're proud of. he prays for sungwoon and minhyun-- for comfort for them, and peace, and happiness going into the future. (he prays that he can meet them there.)

he thanks god for his teammates, and how willing they are to help him, as much as he's tried their patience, and he prays for energy for them and for their success, and that he would only help them going forward, and not burden them too much. he prays that he would learn, and that he would improve, and that by thursday, he'll be a source of pride for them and not embarrassment.

the response he gets is i know what's best. trust. do your best with what i've given you, so he does. he will leave his fate in god's hands, where it belongs, and accept whatever result he receives going forward, without trying to manipulate it himself.

[ relevancy: begin ! ]

he goes into practice afterwards like a whole new man, ready to work and make up for time he lost to his grief and uncertainty the days prior. he runs his lines with the others, plays through the entire guitar part of the arrangement he's settled while they do, sings the other instrumental parts he's thinking for jinyoung and yeji, and notes them down in his notebook for his own reference later. he throws himself into dance practice with renewed vigor too, and only requests a break when he sees that the team they share a practice room with taking one too.

when they do, he returns to his guitar, and calls kenta over, meeting somewhere against a wall where their practice spaces converge. "does this sound cool?" he asks, eager for approval from empty enigma's lead guitarist and the very man that taught him guitar in the first place, and he plays his intended guitar intro for him, a little apprehensive. as he should've expected, kenta meets him with much warmth and excitement. "that sounds really cool!" he assures him, and daniel grins. "really? okay! thank you! that's all i needed you for," and the smile doesn't leave his face, especially not with this teasing. when kenta makes a great show of pretending to be wounded, daniel lightly punches him in the arm. "get back to work! you're being a distraction!"

they find their way back to practice with their teams, who may not be very happy about them fraternizing with the enemy, but it was for a good cause. "i think i have the whole arrangement down. i just need to record the instrumental tonight."

and still, they practice without it, daniel's guitar intro, jinyoung's singing, daniel's rapping, yeji's voice joining them, and for the part of yeji's dance break, daniel sings the soft "nananananana"s and starts doing the cupid shuffle in place of the choreography yeji hasn't quite settled on yet. he grins at his teammates, and sure, he's goofing off, but at least he's practicing his dancing, right?

he practices the relevant dancing after, yeji always the persistent teacher, correcting his mistakes. 

( “i can’t spread my legs like that!” daniel insists, despite already resolving himself to do so by any means necessary.

"you did it last year, didn't you?" jinyoung chimes in.

"not this," daniel argues.

"oppa! they're basically squats. it's not hard! quit whining. you can do it." )

he takes his leave early enough to run to the studio before it closes, bringing all of the necessary instruments with him. he tirelessly records the instrumental for their mellow, yet still sultry remix, true to the original even with its differences. as always, he records a backtrack with all instruments, and then one without the live instruments-- this time, his guitar, just in case. when he listens to the finished product, he's satisfied, and maybe even proud-- and it's also very late, so he heads home, and manages to get a little more sleep than he did the rest of the week.

he comes in monday with both his guitar and a recorded instrumental, and thankfully, jinyoung and yeji like the finished product too. he grins, pleased after they give him their approval, and then it's time to practice for real, backtrack and all, and their performance grows closer and closer to entirely complete. they pretend to hold microphones for the parts where they'll have them, figure out where to put them when they won't, practice with daniel's guitar and without, and practice where to stand when each of them get their (metaphorical) spotlight, all of it choreographed to give them direction in case they freeze come performance day, but daniel knows they won't. sometimes daniel forgets, but he actually has more stage experience than most, and he trusts it to carry him through.

during a break, daniel checks his phone for any urgent messages (or any encouraging them too, always looking forward to one from haknyeon, but never disappointed when it doesn't come, completely understanding of the strain he must be under while preparing to debut.) for better or worse, he opens up naver, looking at comments on the most recent article about mgas. one stands out to him: praise for he and hyojin's performance, which he appreciates, yet...another comment on how often he's played guitar. it troubles him. truly, daniel worried about this already-- always concerned with becoming too repetitive, and what truly qualifies as a new side of himself, and whether he should push the boundaries of what that means. he wants to remain true to himself, but he's tired of it.

jinyoung fusses at him for being on his phone, and daniel's head snaps up, quickly putting it away, and he returns to practice, but before long, he expresses his thoughts. "hey, i've been thinking about something," he begins, and both yeji and jinyoung give him their attention. "there are a lot of comments about me...being repetitive, and people wondering when i'll put away my guitar. i think they think i hide behind it," maybe he does.

"you can just do your guitar intro, and instead of playing guitar the whole time, put it away afterwards?" jinyoung suggests. "that's what i was thinking," yeji adds. daniel grins, "yeah, that's kind of what i was thinking too. should we?" he still isn't sure, but maybe he'll take his teammates' simultaneous thinking on this as a sign that he really should. if he already wouldn't mind going home, and he's sure he'll be eliminated if they're in the bottom five, what does he really have to lose? if he wants to show he's on this show for something other than his band, he can set aside what most links him to it for a round to prove it. "okay, let's do it," daniel agrees, that smile back on his face.

there's just one thing: like this, he doesn't quite get to show off his main talent as much as the others. he wants to request a way to make his intro stand out as much as yeji and jinyoung's individual parts do, and he also wants to throw his guitar playing in the face of everyone who doubted him, and-- "you can sit in the center, and play your guitar intro, and make everyone that doubted you think 'here's daniel, playing his guitar again,' and then you can put it down and prove them all wrong," jinyoung says again. "i was thinking that, too!" yeji chimes in in disbelief. "yeah, me too," daniel admits, mouth agape, but then he laughs, and they all do. "can i have the five seconds of time we have left for my guitar intro? then i can play the whole chorus," and they agree to that, too. maybe their synergy is finally where it should be.

for some reason, when yeji makes her way to the practice room's exit, she runs straight into the door. maybe she's tired; understandable. still, daniel practically jumps, eyes wide, but jinyoung beats him to asking if she's okay, so he decides to stay back and let him handle it. yeji sits down after that, checking her phone, and daniel gives her some time before he makes his way over to her. "what, you can be on your phone and i can't?" he teases.

"the one time i am!!" yeji protests.

"i'm kidding, i'm kidding!" daniel replies, and yeji just pouts, so he takes a seat next to her. he's not just worried about her smacking her head, but about her checking her phone; unlike him, yeji has been so focused, so he hopes something isn't wrong to prompt this.

"are you okay?" he asks, a general question, and yeji nods, but he stays seated with her until she's ready to practice again, and when she is, jumps back to his feet, ready to join her.

when he's actually committed to practice and improving, and giving the best performance he can come thursday, his confidence grows. he still thinks he's a terrible dancer, but by monday, he has all of the choreography memorized, and can go through it without stopping. there's still time to improve, so maybe by the time they take the stage, he'll only be a mild to moderate embarrassment to his team instead of a massive one. he can hope. he'll pretend it's the case regardless, because it's not like he's talking them out of dancing now. it would be a humongous waste of effort, too.

maybe it's this confidence, or looking through performances of love shot to try to capture the right energy in the dance that compels him to want the last line of the song that accompanies the ending pose. it's memorable, and something close to poignant, and he thinks he can sell that where he can't sell his dancing. as jinyoung said, he's handsome and creative; he should put these assets to use. he knows his face and his instruments are his biggest strengths, and he's not going to use an instrument for long, so that leaves the former as the primary quality he needs to present strongly, so he timidly approaches yeji.

"do you think...i could do the ending line?" he wants to sing a little more. he's more experienced with singing, so he thinks that's still his biggest strength of the three idols are expected to display, even if it's by a small margin. aside from that, he wants to leave his impact in the performance-- hopefully a positive note to end on even if everyone watching found his dancing comically bad. he asks yeji instead of jinyoung for a few reasons: one, because he's scared shitless of jinyoung. two: because yeji has fewer singing lines, and if she doesn't want to part with any, he'd understand. three: because yeji is the judge of his dancing, and should know whether him doing the final line is justified.

“if you can do the entire choreo without making a mistake by the end of today, i’ll consider it,” is her response, eyebrow raised, rightfully critical.

"okay," he agrees, still with his natural hesitation. "does it count if i don't make a mistake but it isn't very good?" his expectations aren't very high, which means they're realistic.

"if you don't make a mistake it will look good," yeji returns, and she thinks too much of him, surely.

"since it's at the end it should only be a reward if i've looked strong enough up to that point," he says, measuredly. he doesn't think he'll look strong enough, but he wants to try anyway. "so if i don't look good enough don't give it to me, okay?"

“if you don’t look good, it will be highlighted when you are in the center position. it will throw the performance off. is that something you will be happy about?” he opens his mouth to reply, then shuts it, because she's right.

" ....no," daniel answers. the last thing he wants to do is throw the performance off, especially more than he already has with his mediocre dancing (mediocre is generous.) " that's what i was saying, i just thought-- no, it's okay. i don't need it, you're right."

"are you giving up that easily?"

"i don't know; i just want the performance to be the best it can be for everyone," he says. he still wants the line, but he doesn't want his greed to affect them negatively, especially after they've worked so hard. if it will highlight weaknesses more than strengths, it's far from worth it. if this highlights his dancing, it will certainly be a weakness.

"i said if i don't think it looks good, not if you don't think it looks good." well, valid. yeji does have a better eye for these things, and he's sure to be more critical of himself than anyone else is. well. maybe. jinyoung might have him beat there.

"if i'm strong enough, it would be nice so i can have a part in the final chorus and sing again," he shares, and that much is true, but it's not really his main purpose for asking; it's just a bonus. "and because...i'm sure people will have bad things to say about it. if i'm better than they expect, it'll be an exclamation mark on me doing well. if i'm worse than they expect, it'll be an exclamation mark on the fact that i did it anyway and they had to see me do it, right? i want to throw it in their face," and he says it with more determination than he has all week. there is still a part of him that will not lay down and let them kick him while he does. there is a part of him spiteful, desperate to use that as fuel to reach new heights, and halfway through their practice time, it finally rears its head. "but only if you think it looks good," he adds with a sheepish smile, just in case he got too overconfident for a moment.

"so practice, show me what you've got."

"yes. i will."

so he attacks practice with that same determination. they run through the entire performance together, then they split up to work on their own individual parts, helping each other where it's needed, which mostly means jinyoung helping yeji with her singing and yeji helping them both with their dancing as needed, but it gives him a little time to practice dancing by himself. he keeps his eyes trained on the mirror, and by now, after watching yeji and the original choreography so many times, he can tell when he messes up. he can tell when he's out of time, or when he misses a move, or mis-steps, but he no longer apologizes. he starts over, practicing in both slow motion and full speed, and he tries to learn.

when the day ends, he stands in front of yeji. he's not confident in his dancing yet, but he is confident he'll show yeji the best dancing he's ever shown her. the music starts, and he dances it at full speed, and he focuses-- doesn't let his mind wander, doesn't let it fill with self-doubt and criticism, just dances, and when he finishes, he looks to yeji expectantly.

“you can have it, if jinyoung oppa agrees,” yeji decides, and the smile she gives him is so uncharacteristically warm for this week that he can't help but stare in disbelief. “i’m proud of you oppa,” she says. "really?" daniel asks, still shocked, but a grin blooms onto his face before long, too. "okay! if you're sure!" and jinyoung does agree.

daniel stays a little later regardless, just because he doesn't want to leave yeji alone while she finalizes her dance solo, and he knows the more he practices the dance, the closer it'll get to being something serviceable. eventually though, he bids farewell to yeji, if only so he has enough time to transition from practice daniel to working-at-a-coffee-shop-at-5-am daniel, because he has work the next day, or more accurately, in the morning.

by tuesday, yeji shows daniel her finished dance solo. he watches with rapt attention, but no intention to criticize, because he knows he has far from any right. of course, there's nothing to criticize anyway, because it's powerful and makes the most of every second assigned to her for their instrumental, so he smiles. "i don't know anything about dancing, yeji-yah, but i think it looked really cool!" and that's important, because he figures much of the audience will be watching from that perspective. he's sure it will look good to anyone's eye; he is grouped with the one judges deemed the best dancer in the competition, after all. "i think it matched the music well, too."

more practice, and daniel feels almost giddy to have it all put together now, and two full days to practice exactly how it will be on stage. doubt still comes in waves: should i have pushed for something where we could all sing instead? should i have fought harder for us not to dance, if we weren't going with my original idea of layering skills over each other? will i be nothing but a burden without my guitar? am i betraying who i really am? i came on this show to show people why they should support empty enigma; am i selling out by doing this? do i really have anything to show?

he's just better at combating it now, even if it still shakes him up at moments. it's too late to make any changes. he doesn't want to. the last thing he wants to do is make a change to try to benefit himself and appear unprepared on stage instead. this is what they're doing, and all he can do is his best with what they've settled on, and when he has confidence, he thinks it's something good. it should be entertaining. even if his dancing is bad, that will be entertaining too, right? if he's going down-- and he has a good feeling he's going down --at least he'll go down trying everything in the book, a stronger and more diverse performer than the daniel of last year's mgas. an artist.

the two teams in the practice room exist in relative harmony, aside from jungeun's criticism of daniel and his subsequent new fear of her. there are kenta's glances thrown his way, and kenta's...general clownery, and hansol tends to keep to himself and mind his own business, which daniel appreciates over another person against him. he's only really bothered by them come wednesday, when they're...breathing heavily? intentionally? he doesn't know their choice of song (well, he does now, after listening to it so many times in practice) but that can't be part of it, can it?

"is it the other team, or just daniel dying?" jinyoung asks, and it's so uncharacteristic of his serious nature that daniel can't help laugh. really, it would be funny with anyone saying it, but even moreso in this case. "both," he answers, righting himself from where he was already bent over, hands on his thighs, catching his own breath.

as their time comes to a close on wednesday, it's bittersweet, and a little nerve-wracking. all that's left is to perform, but aside from that, it's the last he'll be able to practice with everyone here, the other team included. even with yeji and jinyoung's harshness with him, his time with them will end tomorrow, one way or another. he doesn't know what time he's guaranteed with kenta going forward, either, but he tries not to think about that too much so his emotions don't get the best of him again. he's grown used to retro future team's presence too, and there's something comforting about practicing in the company of five other people that there just isn't on his own with only one other person or by himself. there's something about this that daniel loves-- teamwork, striving toward something with other people. the evidence is in both his band and his appreciation of all of the group stages of last year's mgas.

kenta bids them farewell with one final act of tomfoolery, something he declares is a magic trick, and daniel's primary thought is oh man, i have to see this. still, he gives his friend his attention as he dramatically waves is hand around a kleenx box, only to pull one out and pretend it's some huge feat. daniel looks on, expression mostly confused, until he does it again and tosses it behind him-- then he has to hold back his easily-won laughter. then, kenta starts pulling out all of the tissues, and daniel shakes his head.

"i'm not helping you clean that up!" he makes very clear, though the smile is still on his face, and he drops it, joking, "and i have to blow my nose..." even though he doesn't. kenta isn't done with them however, and says "it was worth a shot..and a love shot," firing a finger gun at them, and daniel groans and rolls onto the floor in his embarrassment.

on the day of recording, his feelings are conflicted. for one, he's thankful to sit in between yeji and jinyoung, for maximum support, which-- thankfully (surprisingly?) they're thoroughly giving him, anticipating his nerves. granted, if he and yeji switched places, he could sit next to kenta, but for some reason, he thinks like this, it's better for his focus. this way, he won't let his thoughts drift to empty enigma, and that emotion of last week won't creep into his thoughts and weigh him down again after everyone fought so hard to send it away. yeji keeps reassuring him that it'll be alright, and jinyoung offers a pat to his thigh every so often, silent reassurance, as is so true to him.

"it will be," he answers yeji, flashing her a smile, and really, the more she says it, the more nervous he gets, even though he knows she means well. the more he watches the performances preceding him, he gets nervous too-- all stronger dancers than he, and he grows more and more convinced he's about to get up on stage an humiliate himself, but jinyoung and yeji worked too hard for him to bring shame to them, so he'll give them his absolute best. he hopes when they watch this performance back, they'll be more proud than they are embarrassed.

retro future team's performances precedes theirs, and it's fun to watch them-- to see the result of all the practice they shared during the past week, and it seems to have paid off. daniel enjoys it, and as always, it's great to see kenta on stage, and see how he grows week to week, and during it, with the realization that their time comes after, daniel slips into a state of eerie calm.

it's not unfamiliar, but in this venue, it is: the cameo confidence, the razor sharp, in-his-element focus that comes before he steps on stage at an empty enigma show. there is some small inkling of a thought that he has no right to feel this way here, but its quickly stifled by this new self-assured certainty. no going back now. i want people to say i'm bad at dancing but still gif my face.

when he steps on stage, guitar and its stand in tow-- evidence that today will be a little different, for anyone that cares to pay attention-- it stays. he sets his guitar down in the stand, only for their intro. "we are the love shot," they say in unision, before jinyoung shouts "ji!" and holds the iconic love shot finger gun to his lips. "niel!" he shouts, and he does the same, standing so they're all back to back. "ji!" yeji finishes, and they all hold the pose for a moment before daniel picks up his guitar and stand and they scurry toward the chairs center stage. they sit in the same order they did in the audience: yeji, daniel, then jinyoung.

daniel opens them up, and thankfully, it's not with dancing. he starts on a high note-- his best: with the guitar. he put the best of his guitar into this intro too, in case the audience forgot. he knows they haven't forgotten he plays the guitar, but maybe they forgot how good he is. has it ever really been on display on the mga stage? maybe not, but he shows it off now, playing the iconic love shot chorus so they know exactly what they're in for, and yet-- they don't. he sets the guitar down on its stand, defying the expectation that he would cling to it for yet another performance, and then they all stand.

the instrumental kicks in, and there's a distant it's the love shot in it that opens it up into something acoustic, different from the original, as all daniel performances must be. the guitar lingers in the instrumental, a constant reminder, but not in his hands as they make their way across the stage, jinyoung's singing leading the way.

they all sing an "aye aye" before the bass of the instrumental kicks in, a little twist, an r&b side, layering of the darker undercurrents of the original song. yeji takes over, then jinyoung joins her again, and it's daniel's turn with his rap, piano the main focus of the instrumental now.

ah, i’m burning i can’t breathe, it’s like i’ll split in half i’m thirsting and with this one glass it’s like i’ll overflow on this dangerous night

he originally laughed at that-- thirsting, and its alternate meaning in english, a true show of his maturity. there wasn't time for laughing though, as he practiced and worked out the arrangement, and after his original half-hearted input to choose loveshot as a song-- after he really sat down and listened to it-- he was glad they did. despite the sexy nature of the song and its choreography, it had a deeper meaning than expected, and daniel hopes their rendition highlights that. his last couple lines are singing, a reminder that yes, he can still do that too, assisted by yeji's harmony, and the build up to the chorus.

jinyoung's it's the love shot, and instead of the familiar chorus, there's another surprise: yeji's dance solo. the boys take the sides of the stage as yeji fills it with her presence and her talent, over the instrumental chorus, not joined by any singing, just the distant, electronic sounding, almost indistinguishable nananas in the backtrack.

jinyoung takes over with the smoothness of his vocals, and yeji follows him up, showing her own vocal prowess she improved over the course of the show. daniel has another rap next.

even if i cover my eyes and ears and force myself to wander, in the end the answer is love i fill my stomach, starved by too much ego an empty glass of compassion left behind now i fill it again, let me hear it all

he didn't relate to the first section of rap so much, but this one, he does, or likes to think he does. it's a story of his week, in a way-- the struggle of the early days, and his teammates' harshness with him, and how he eventually wandered back to sungwoon and found his answer there. keep going. you can't give up. it resounded with everything else the others said, undeniable, and so he pressed on, trying to accept all criticism as something that would make him better instead of something meant to hurt him, and it's brought him here, to this stage, where he gives it his all. he gets to sing another line, too-- the last one, something he's very grateful for. he always loves to show two sides.

it leads into what one would expect to be another chorus, but isn't-- instead, the cutting of the instrumental altogether, just jinyoung center stage, singing that familiar bridge. after it is something else familiar: the slow build of the original instrumental. yeji harmonizes over daniel's final rap as it leads them into the final chorus, and daniel knows what's coming after. it's anticipation now more than it is dread, even on stage, and he's proud of that fact.

my heart burns my beliefs dried feeling like they’ll break apart i wet them with you, filling in the gaps lighting the flame in my heart that felt ready to go out yeah

jinyoung sings one final it's the love shot, powerfully, punctuating the beginning of the end-- just kidding. it won't be that bad, and if it is, daniel will make sure to sell it the whole way through.

they burst into the choreography of the original final chorus too, yeji in the center, thankfully, and daniel doesn't reflect on the times he struggled during the week now. now, gameface: on, and the gameface for this just so happens to be an incredibly sultry look. the mga viewing audience of this season may not know it, but in fact, he plays this game all the time.

jinyoung and yeji cover the adlibs, thankfully not giving daniel one more thing to worry about on top of his dancing. after the beginning part of the chorus, they do a surprise switch to another part of loveshot's choreography: the move with the gun behind their back, incredibly practiced by daniel with yeji's discerning eye, because he couldn't see how badly he was doing it himself. it's cleaner now than it's ever been, which still isn't as clean as it could be by far, but he'll take it. improvement is improvement, and all he can ask for at the end of the day.

the most difficult part of the choreography is over, leaving only the part that's like walking in time, and for this part, daniel takes the center-- hard-fought due to his desire for the final line, and only time will tell if this proves to be a mistake or not. still, they finish, and it's daniel in the center that sings the final:

it's the love shot

before making a gun with his fingers, raising it to his lips, and knocking it back like its a shot.